currently writing amazing jokes at @friday_beers previously writing amazing stories at @moreperfectus
Joined January 2011
- Tweets 4,533
- Following 1,377
- Followers 57,269
- Likes 42,013
551 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
10 Jan 2023
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
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Jun 12
Check this one out
20 Nov 2023
When this guy appears on Curb Your Enthusiasm, you know things are about to get humorous
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11 Oct 2022
I am so happy they caught Halloweentown on camera. Not sure I'd believe it otherwise
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4 Nov 2023
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
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May 25
still thinking about this cut from mitch and wemby to pop and timmy 😭😭😭
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May 20
I want to be the first famous person to not have any name
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Apr 27
When Alma spreads butter too loudly in Phantom Thread
Apr 27
The world’s largest 4DX cinema is at Regal Times Square in NYC. 👀🍿
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Apr 19
45 minutes into the Jimmy Neutron documentary. Had no idea he was lgbtq
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Apr 4
Anyone know of any good egg hunts going on tomorrow? Preferably baby to 12 year old age range so I can collect the most easily. LA area
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Mar 29
Hey man be careful taking a nap. My buddy had a dream where he got yelled at by Jay Leno
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Mar 22
Saying this to the bald guy at the Y
Mar 22
Luka Doncic on what led to his technical foul on Saturday:
“[Goga Bitadze] said he would f**k my whole family… at some point, I just can’t stand that. I got to stand up for myself.”
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15 Jun 2021
No offense to the government but ... you all need help 😂
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Mar 8
the latest induction to the Jokermen Early-to-Mid 90s Album Art Graphic Design Hall of Fame
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Mar 7
I think every interview on tv should be shot from the ground pointing up
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Feb 27
Sure, I like films but what I really care about is the shareholders
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