BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly fell asleep today during his daily "Person, woman, man, camera, TV" cognitive test in between "man" and "camera."

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly not talking to JD Vance anymore after the New York Times published the bombshell story reporting how Vance held multiple secret meetings behind his back to advocate for releasing allegations in the Epstein Files that incriminated him.

This is not a joke. This is actually the reflecting Pool in Washington DC today. Donald Trump wasted $10 million of our money on this. No wonder why he bankrupted multiple casinos.

BREAKING: Iran directly rejects Trump's new claim of a deal being signed tomorrow, saying the insistence on signing the deal on specifically Sunday is engineered around his own birthday, calling it a "propaganda event" that Trump is trying to turn into a unilateral "symbolic occasion" for himself, along with his UFC White House event, per Fars. The Iranian negotiating team says it "will not permit such a media and ceremonial manoeuvre," explicitly stating that the memorandum of understanding has not been finalized and no signing will happen.

BREAKING: Donald Trump’s cabinet members are increasingly unsure how long they should go on complimenting his leadership and genius during cabinet meetings when he’s visibly sleeping.

BREAKING: Top White House officials are reportedly concerned that Donald Trump keeps announcing nonexistent deals with Iran because he falls asleep every 20 minutes and can no longer discern reality from his dreams.

Now THIS is a fucking scandal.

BREAKING: New reporting reveals Republicans in Texas are panicking because Ken Paxton is rapidly losing support amongst must-win Latino voters who are pivoting to James Talarico’s side. This is amazing.

BREAKING: Albanian officials are reportedly warning Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump, "Our people are very proud and have anarchist tendencies, and might just burn down anything you build."

BREAKINGNEWS Just so MAGA is aware the removal of Trump's name from the Kennedy Center is a permanent injunction. This can NOT be appealed. Trump has 14 days to remove his name. 🚨

BREAKING: Trump watches are being sent to customers as “rump” watches. It sort of makes sense though… RUMP

BREAKING: An Iranian official says the only nuclear dust Trump will get is the “nuclear-level dusting” he's doing in his diaper every time Iran says, "No deal!"

BREAKING: White House doctors say every week Iran doesn't agree to a deal raises the likelihood Donald Trump will have a massive stroke by 3%.

BREAKING: Two Fox News staffers reportedly had mental breakdowns this weekend after reading the morning network-wide memos explaining how to spin Trump’s disastrous Iran deal as a victory for him.

HOLY CRAP Trump actually accomplished a miracle. Here is what he got out of Iran: - Reduce its stockpile of enriched uranium by about 98% - Limit uranium enrichment to 3.67% purity (far below weapons-grade) - Cut the number of installed centrifuges by roughly two-thirds - Only enrich uranium at one declared site (Natanz) - Stop enrichment activities at Fordow and convert it into a research facility - Redesign the Arak heavy-water reactor so it could not easily produce weapons-grade plutonium - Ship out or dilute excess enriched uranium Allow extensive inspections by the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) Permit continuous monitoring of nuclear facilities and supply chains - Accept “snap” inspections under expanded monitoring rules - Avoid building new heavy-water reactors for years - Stay within strict limits on uranium stockpile size and centrifuge development for set periods ranging from 10–25 years Ooops, sorry! That was the JCPOA that Obama signed with Iran, only to have him tear it up, kill 140 kids, get hundreds of Americans injured, 13 killed, and gas prices to surge 50%.

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly not focusing on his emergency Iranian meetings because he keeps ranting to the generals about Stephen Colbert.

BREAKING: Trump is reportedly furious Stephen Colbert didn’t make the last episode of The Late Show all about him, and instead Colbert totally ignored him.

BREAKING: This is MASSIVE 🔥 🇪🇸 Spain, under Pedro Sánchez, calls for EU sanctions against Israel. 🇮🇹 Italy, under Meloni calls for EU sanctions against Israel. What a courageous leadership Spain and Italy has got 🔥🫡

BREAKING: Stunning new polling shows Democrat James Talarico leading in the polls against his likely Republican opponent in Texas' Senate race. This would be a MASSIVE flip for Democrats. Wow.

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly pissed because Ukraine is now steadily liberating its land with drones and pummeling Russian energy export infrastructure to the point that Trump isn't involved in the peace talks, and won't be invited to the final photo-op to take credit.