Speed got roasted by Thierry Henry and Zlatan Ibrahimović before the conversation even started 😂😭.

left wing drugs: weed LSD xanax right wing drugs: meth cocaine zyns We need centrist drugs for radical centrists.

I could never abuse substance i love substances

Rich people won’t die from higher taxes, but vulnerable people can die from welfare cuts.

A narcissist’s favorite game: make you feel crazy for noticing they’re lying

Bitches always flipping a story but can’t flip no money

Yeah I'm boring baby, I just like to smoke and make money

need to rent a cat,a kitten Ma-soose for an hour if he can walk or massage my back. 😂😂Mine will walk my chest and stomach. But when I turn over and ask him to get on my back I get the Look of "What the hell" 😱that was inappropriate😩😂😂

This might start an argument… What was the greatest cartoon or TV show of your childhood? You can only pick one.

it's ok to smoke cigarettes if you really want to. God will understand and make them not bad for you

LMAOO this is literally Batman in plain sight mf threw his batarang and it came flying back

You talk to a boomer and realize they've never submitted an application into a portal that auto-rejected them in 4 minutes and they think the system is fair

This is what real love looks like❤️🥹

My fiancé started going to a "high-intensity crossfit gym" three nights a week to get in shape for our upcoming wedding. He claimed the workouts were so grueling that he couldn't check his phone for two hours straight. I didn't think anything of it until I opened our shared health and fitness app to log my own morning run. The app automatically synced data from both of our smart-watches to track our weekly fitness goals. I clicked on his activity graph from the previous night to see his calorie burn. According to the data, his heart rate hadn't peaked during a high-intensity workout. In fact, between 7:00 PM and 9:00 PM, his GPS tracking showed he was completely stationary at a high-end French restaurant downtown. His heart rate during those two hours was a perfectly resting, relaxed 65 beats per minute- right up until 9:15 PM, when his location suddenly shifted to a boutique hotel, and his heart rate spiked into the cardio zone for exactly twelve minutes before returning to a dead calm. He had forgotten that the watch doesn't just track if you're moving; it tracks the physiological truth of how you're moving. When he walked through the door at 10:00 PM, wiping fake sweat from his forehead and complaining about "how killer the leg day was," I held up my phone with the biometric graph open. "Wow, looks like a crazy workout," I said, zooming in on the restaurant coordinates. "I didn't know crossfit involved a three-course steak dinner and a twelve-minute cardio session at the Hilton. Care to explain the metrics?" He couldn't even find the words to spin a lie. The engagement was over before his watch could even sync the next day's steps.

The best intimacy isn't always physical it's finding someone who makes you feel wanted, safe and completely understood.

💨

girl beats boyfriend on ig live after his ex pops up in the chat🥊… looks like they do this every time… like wtf 😂😳

After having sex with a woman, if she asks you "what are we now?" Please legends,what's the best answer??

Hey @grok, swap their outfits!!

Asian steals car and realizes the anti-theft system in this neighborhood is 100% manual labor. 👮‍♂️🛑 This isn't a kidnapping, it's just a very aggressive 'exit interview' for his career as a car thief. 💼💊 Is this the right way to handle thieves, or should he have just called the police?"

i was thinking "porn is a weird word, i wonder where it comes from" and in a moment of genius intellect i googled "porn" assuming that the first thing to come up would be a resource like a definition or wikipedia page which could show etymology. this was not the case.