I'm petty af.
Joined February 2017
- Tweets 13,070
- Following 866
- Followers 714
- Likes 79,010
881 Photos and videos
crystal retweeted
3 Oct 2020
Back before this country was soft and the snowflakes took over, we had comedians like George Carlin who would have absolutely made fun of the president contracting a deadly virus.
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17 Aug 2020
@Hardy_SXM put your drugs in your carry on and they will make it to your destination unmolested
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19 Aug 2020
Omg wait no, don't do this, I meant your checked bag. I have done too many drugs, apparently.
19 Aug 2020
Idk if this matters to anyone but i just celebrated FIVE years of sobriety, surviving both my mother's suicide and father's alcohol fueled early death. i am so grateful for every little moment of my stupid little life.
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crystal retweeted
5 Aug 2020
If you get owned on here the smart move is to just completely ignore it.. Or you could have a days-long meltdown and then make the entire episode an integral part of your personality for the rest of your life. Whatever works for you
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crystal retweeted
30 Jul 2020
At least during the 1918 pandemic they had cocaine in their soda
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crystal retweeted
5 Jul 2020
this is so fucking heartbreaking and it would be nice for someone in the media to start treating the ~multiple murders~ that have happened at protests over the last few weeks with the same seriousness & gravity they applied to a goddamn burning Wendy's
5 Jul 2020
I talked to Katelyn Hoberecht, vet clinic co-worker of Summer Taylor, dead at 24: “Staying out all day and night (at the protests) while still working full time taking care of animals . . .the most ecstatic human being I have ever met . . ." tinyurl.com/y8yz728k
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crystal retweeted
5 Jun 2020
I’d like to tell you a story about Bruce Springsteen and the New York City Police Department.
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crystal retweeted
Carrie Maxwell is a 2nd Grade Teacher at Wayside Elementary school. Why is she still employed?
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crystal retweeted
6 Jun 2020
It’s cool how cops are dead bent on proving everybody 100% correct about them
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crystal retweeted
3 Jun 2020
LETS ALSO CHARGE THE FIRST MEDICAL EXAMINER FOR LYING ON AN AUTOPSY!!!!!!!!
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crystal retweeted
2 Jun 2020
the media will let police say absolutely anything
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crystal retweeted
3 Jun 2020
A lot of people offering their services pro bono so I figured I would do the same: if u r a cops wife and want ur pussy eaten while he’s out wearing Batman body armor, escalating a problem him and his colleagues caused, dm me
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crystal retweeted
2 Jun 2020
conservatives a month ago: “why should we listen to the government and stay home? you are all sheep, this is a free country!”
conservatives today: “if you just follow the government mandated curfew, the paramilitary police stormtroopers won’t shoot you in the face, it’s simple”
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crystal retweeted
28 Mar 2020
Joe Exotic is Steve Irwin’s Wario
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crystal retweeted
24 Mar 2020
2004: don’t eat French fries or else you hate America
2008: wear a lapel pin or you don’t love your country
2016: kneel before the flag
2020: die for the economy
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