overeducated punk rock princess turned volvo-driving soccer mom // now on mastodon: @unexpectedsahm@universeodon.com
Joined July 2011
- Tweets 19,558
- Following 1,376
- Followers 7,255
- Likes 75,347
3,413 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
22 Apr 2021
Man: *has existential crisis*
Woman: *postpones her existential crisis until after work is done, her family is fed, housework is finished, and the kids are in bed*
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5 Nov 2024
Feeling super jittery this morning so obviously need to buy an extra large coffee
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18 Oct 2024
She died doing what she loved: Paying way too much for an airport massage chair.
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18 Oct 2024
At this point I’m just assuming all Trump lawn signs are terrifying Halloween decorations.
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Unexpected SAHM retweeted
30 Jun 2024
women don’t want diamonds we want rings with hidden compartments where we can store poison to vanquish our enemies
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Unexpected SAHM retweeted
18 Oct 2024
If you’re happy and you know it, give me money.
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Unexpected SAHM retweeted
18 Oct 2024
It sucks when you are in depression and you are not even an economy.
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18 Oct 2024
7: *quietly minding his own business*
4: Brother, did you know momma loves me the most?
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16 Oct 2024
4: What do you like to order?
Me: Can I have a daughter who goes to bed when I tell her to?
4: Um, we don’t have that. Order something else.
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6 Oct 2024
4: Momma, I made you a card!
Me: Aw, that’s so sweet! Thank you, baby.
4: Actually, it’s for Dada.
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15 Aug 2024
Sometimes I miss the days when you could just vaguebook your problems away
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13 Aug 2024
So…in The Descendants universe, why are all the villains single parents?
If Bridget hadn’t become evil, she would have had different relationships, so how does Red still exist? Why aren’t Red’s memories altered?
Why am I spending my last week of summer asking these questions?
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13 Aug 2024
Is Chad Charming Chloe’s brother? Or did we just conveniently forget he was in the first movie?
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15 Aug 2024
Update: Finally watching Descendants 3. I guess Mal DOES have a dad
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14 Aug 2024
Sometimes your kids delay bedtime by fabricating stories of things that go bump in the night.
Other times you’re proven a liar by a very real raccoon in your attic going bump in the night.
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Unexpected SAHM retweeted
6 Aug 2024
This election is essentially:
America’s Fun Aunt and America’s Fun Dad
vs.
A Convicted Felon and Your Weird Cousin
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5 Aug 2024
Pretty sure if you hang up “The Ten (Duel) Commandments” in a classroom, students will spontaneously start dueling.
But what do I know? I’m just a middle school teacher, not a lawmaker.
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4 Aug 2024
The Olympics are crazy because I can not care about sports at all and then suddenly be willing to commit murder on behalf of a runner from Florida that I had not heard of prior to this week.
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Unexpected SAHM retweeted
30 Jul 2024
My kid just pulled some hidden candy from the back of the pantry and proclaimed, “Finders Eaters!”
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Unexpected SAHM retweeted
3 Aug 2024
Rapscallions are just onions with street cred
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