@emptyheadtwo profile picture
Michael Thompson @emptyheadtwo

I'm an amateur joke writer. Although some people have praised me by saying I'm a complete amateur.

Joined September 2014
  • Tweets 3,893
  • Following 209
  • Followers 428
268 Photos and videos
'Super' Harley McCoist. @talkSPORT
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I had a dream that I overdosed on Viagra. Kept me up all night.
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seven. @LFC @ManUtd #shitphotoshopping
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While in Crete, I had a short excursion to see the labyrinths. It was a minor tour. #LunchPun
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CONVINCE Buddhists that you were a dog in a previous life by sniffing their arses when you meet them. @TwopTwips
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I asked a French estate agent if he had unfurnished houses for sale in a forest."Deux bare gรฎtes in the woods?" he replied. #LunchPun
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LIVEN up adult swimming lessons by throwing in hundreds of joke chattering teeth and shouting, "Piranhas!" @TwopTwips
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Dolphins don't make the best dancers due to their poor poise. #LunchPun
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FACE PAINTERS, give better value for money by using gloss. @TwopTwips
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Michael Thompson retweeted
Parody Nigel Farage
 @Parody_PM
7 Feb 2023
I made Lee Anderson Deputy Chairman because he represents the integrity and professionalism that I value so much. Like that time he lied to a journalist and got his mate to pretend he didn't know him. Please donโ€™t share. #Reshuffle

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BLOW up a balloon before going out on the piss, so you have a handy sample for a breathalyser. @TwopTwips
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CAUSE chaos in Santa's grotto by slipping him a Viagra just before opening time. @TwopTwips
Boris Johnson pulls out of Conservative leadership race. First thing he's pulled out of for a long while. #Conservative #BorisJohnson
Michael Thompson retweeted
Out Of Context Football
 @nocontextfooty
20 Oct 2022

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Michael Thompson retweeted
Nat @unfortunatalie
8 Sep 2022
Can't believe they are going to make a MAN queen. This woke nonsense has gone too far.
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Michael Thompson retweeted
Moose Allain ๊™ฌ @MooseAllain
26 Aug 2022
Remember that time the dear old banks got themselves into a bit of a pickle and we all clubbed together and bailed them out? Wouldnโ€™t it he lovely if they returned the favour this winter?
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CONVINCE people that you work for the gas board when at a gangbang by leaning on a shovel, chatting, while someone else is in the hole. @TwopTwips
WINDOW CLEANERS, keep your feet warm during winter by using a heated towel rail as a ladder. @TwopTwips
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Michael Thompson retweeted
No Context Brits
 @NoContextBrits
22 Aug 2022
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joe heenan @joeheenan
17 Aug 2022
"British workers are lazy" - Liz Truss
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