Joined May 2009
- Tweets 156,590
- Following 4,895
- Followers 33,896
- Likes 197,698
510 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
15 Jun 2019
I get sad when I follow a car for a long time on the expressway & they exit & I have to continue on alone
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One time I shook this guy's hand and felt his wet bandaid. So yes, I've been to hell.
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18 Aug 2021
you're probably thinking of the cult that leased this storefront before us ma'am
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Jun 11
paleontologists are like "we found a new kind of horse"
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Jun 12
my grandma made us Tang for a treat because my mom made us drink milk
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13 Mar 2019
You are an exquisite paper cut of miscalculation.
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10 Oct 2025
I don't know if a painting’s good or bad, but that duck looks totally real.
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me: our dog has a chip in her. sorry, our dog has some chips on her. i spilled chips on our dog. haha, actually, we don’t have a dog. i ate some chips, though. yesterday. no salsa.
judge: juror number four, you can go home.
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9 Aug 2019
when i was growing up my friend Debbie's dad brought home an injured mallard duck baby & they raised it with their puppy & that duck thought it was a dog & i'll never forget it & i've always wanted a duck
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4 Dec 2017
I grew up on kool-aid because it had a ton of sugar so we could walk a mile to school one way & do real math
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Jun 9
With the technology available these days, we should be able to rig elections much faster.
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It's only cute when I drive like shit. The rest of you need to get it together.
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[Adjusting my Burger King crown] You've made a powerful enemy today, pal
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Social media sucks. We need to bring back hobo symbols.
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If you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life. That's why I push people off cruise ships and collect their life insurance.
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It's so funny that I love driving my car but I hate traffic and people and the government and some members of my family and my job and waking up in the morning and the unrelenting existential pain that will probably push me to the point that I drive that car I love off of a cliff
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3 Aug 2018
I just want to walk around in a bikini with the confidence of a dad at a waterpark
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Jun 10
When you take a medication that's advertised on TV, it's like having a celebrity in the house.
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Packed your bags last night pre-flight? I pack my bags ON the plane, cowards.
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I was born at the gas station and I'll die at the gas station
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