It's all permanent memories of temporary feelings.
Joined November 2011
- Tweets 3,600
- Following 624
- Followers 76
- Likes 17,798
324 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
16 Apr 2023
If you're checking out my profile because one of my tweets brought you here, check out some stuff I've published as well as the people I've worked with to publish it:
bumblebeecomics.booth.pm/
jakeagray.com/collaborators
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Jun 4
Me: Hey, is this one of the rooms with missing paintings?
Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum employee: No.
Me: *pulling on a balaclava* Well, it's about to be.
And that's how I found out good, tight comedy is still illegal.
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Feb 22
Hindsight is 20/20: it's fucked up that LL Cool J's mama told him to knock us out.
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Feb 10
Modern Seinfeld: Kramer unknowingly wandered into an Epstein party in the early 90s and then later sold a mundane story about the party to Peterman who published it as his own. Peterman gets arrested, the catalog goes out of business, and Elaine has to find a new job.
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Jan 27
"I know how to spell 'philanthropy'. Branding, though," has me sold.
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Jan 20
Jonas Gahr Støre has released a follow-up statement regarding his communication with Trump:
"Se til helvete og kom dere vekk! Det er ikke en bikkje, det er en slags ting! Det imiterer en bikkje, det er ikke virkelig! KOM DERE VEKK, IDIOTER!"
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Jan 12
"Oh my-oh my god. Charlie, that's you."
"Wait, what is that? What am I looking at, Pim? Oh my god."
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Jan 4
Sunday afternoon double feature.
Has there ever been another sequel in which none of the original characters appear and that was a completely different genre?
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22 Dec 2025
Oona Chaplin? The great-granddaughter of Eugene O'Neil?
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16 Dec 2025
Fishburne played it the same as Farina and Keitel where he was probably the least-credentialed person in the room but had the knowledge of how to motivate a team of nerds to get the job done.
16 Dec 2025
Laurence Fishburne was giving the performance of a lifetime in Hannibal as FBI Behavioral Sciences department head who somehow knows nothing about psychology and asks questions like “Tell me doctor, could someone fake a clock test?” which is just drawing a clock wrong.
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16 Dec 2025
And Fishburne played it a bit like Homer when he was working for Globex which was a perfect distinction from his predecessors.
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28 Nov 2025
When I'm playing Battlefield 6 as Support and the other team starts shooting at me:
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26 Nov 2025
I've always liked how this bit implies that the only entity more powerful than the Stonecutters is the Egg Council.
25 Nov 2025
"Forget it, Homer. While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been proven conclusively that they actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human bloodstream."
"So one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh?"
"You got it all wrong, Homer. It's not like that."
"You'd better run, egg!"
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15 Nov 2025
While walking on Newbury St. in Boston I overheard one of the whitest things ever said: "if it says 'sea salt' on the menu then I want to be able to taste the sea salt."
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31 Oct 2025
Just saw two women dressed as Wednesday Addams do the Spider-Man meme in the middle of Whole Foods.
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27 Oct 2025
Venmo email: Hey! Just letting you know that you have money on your account.
Me: Oh, weird. I don't remember that. But cool, thanks for the reminder.
Venmo app: You have $0.
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19 Oct 2025
bbc.com/news/live/c62lnennzg…
Look, I'm not accusing anyone of anything, but do we know where Álvaro Morten was at the time of the heist?
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16 Oct 2025
My performance art piece of getting day drunk at a museum, having my pants fall down, stumbling into a priceless vase causing it to fall over and break, and then passing out on the rubble was not well-received.
I even heard some asshole say, "pft, I could do that."
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11 Oct 2025
I'm at a restaurant in Seoul and I asked our server where the bathroom was.
"Right down that hallway," they said.
Next thing I know I'm fist fighting 20 guys.
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9 Sep 2025
Modern Seinfeld plot: Jerry and George complete a script for a comedy movie; Carrie Coon is cast as the lead. Carrie begins offering some ideas for rewrites which George thinks are actually coming from Tracy Letts but being passed off as her own.
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1 Sep 2025
Me, giving notes in 1985: all I'm saying is that based on the story's internal logic this script really should be called FERRIS BUELLER'S TENTH DAY OFF.
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