siguro hindi naman siya dapat big deal pero para sa akin, oo.
my father taught me how to drive at the ripe age of 9. the reason? he wanted me to be independent and for me not to be intimidated by men driving. i am a manual driver while my exes were matic, and while thereās absolutely no shame in driving an automatic, there was always a distinction. driving was one of the things my father made sure i would never have to rely on anyone else for.
for the past four years, though, iāve always been a passenger princess. yes, iāve driven from albay to naga and vice versa alone, but here in albay, most of the time, my exesāor [redacted] and his driverāwere the ones driving me around.
today was different.
earlier, i was on the verge of crashing out. i was so close to asking someone to rescue me, to take the wheel for me, to do what iāve grown accustomed to letting other people do.
but i didnātāi drove alone with my friends as my passengers. and somewhere between the traffic lights, the turns, the familiar roads, and the silence between songs, i realized it was about grief. it was about learning how to exist after losing people you once built your routines around.
because no one really tells you that heartbreak is not just losing a person. sometimes, it is losing the version of yourself that existed when they were there. it is relearning the simplest things. finding new routes home. sitting in seats that suddenly feel too empty. reaching for help only to remember there is no one on the other end anymore.
for months, i thought i was mourning people. what i was really mourning was dependency. the comfort of knowing that someone would always be there to take over when things became too heavy.
and today, with my hands wrapped around the steering wheel, i finally understood what my father had been trying to teach me all those years ago.
independence is not about never needing people. it is about knowing that when people leave, you will not leave yourself too.
because there will come a day when no one can drive for you. no one can make the decision for you. no one can carry you through the difficult parts.
and on that day, all you will have is yourself.
today, i chose her. i chose to trust her. i chose to believe that she could get us home. and she did.
despite everything i lost, despite all the people who used to occupy the passenger and driverās seats of my life, i am still capable of moving forward.
today, i conquered the part of me that believed i needed someone else to do it for me.
i arrived home knowing that i can survive my own life, and iām so proud of myself for that.