For me, as a single mum of twenty years, my sole greatest achievement in life has been mothering my three children. Educating my children in the best private school wherever we lived has been my life’s hardest assignment. Beyond grooming them to excel at their academic work, in competitive sports and the arts, I have always insisted on raising good humans with solid character.
Single mothers in Uganda, my home-country, are judged very harshly. We are blamed for failing to remain married to the father(s) of our children. We are suspected of every form of immorality which we freely pass onto our clueless children. We are feared for constantly being on the look out for good men to snatch from other women, seduce for ourselves and sex in our beds in homes we share with our children. We are shamed for lacking the resources to meet all our children’s essential needs in a timely manner. Blah-blah-blah…
Our children grow up surrounded by these negative sentiments. If we do not balance between shielding them from and directly confronting these baseless value judgments, our children grow up believing we are wicked women. And so, for me, I encouraged direct age-appropriate communication with my children at all times and on any topic. They have always been free to engage with me whether alone, in twos or all three together. Any one of us has an equal right to raise any topic, and the rest must provide engaged audience and honest feedback - even around sensitive topics.
For younger single mums wondering how they will educate their own children, I routinely used to share tips that made the task easier over the years. The top four tips are:
1) Instead of paying all school fees in one big chunk at the start of a year, it was always easier for me to request and negotiate with school bursars to pay scheduled instalments for each of the children. These instalments were spread over the entire academic term, semester or year. This called for swallowing my pride, stilling fear and beating the shame of begging for an alternative payment model. In all cases, the school bursars were kind and considerate.
2) Bulk buying and storage of food stuff, toiletries, and essential household necessities ensured there was enough to cover our daily needs. At home, I always had favorite neighbourhood shopkeepers whom I patronised whenever I had money. When the money was tight, these shopkeepers kept an open book of items taken on credit by either myself, my children or one of my household members. When I was paid my monthly salary, I honoured our agreement by clearing all the debts in a timely manner.
3) I operated the same principle with a favorite clinic, pharmacy, bodabodaman, hair saloon, barber and any other regular service provider. When I had money, I paid well for their services to the children. When the money was tight, they trusted me enough to work on credit because I was known to pay my debts at the end of the month when salary came.
4) Ask for help from trusted family, friends and neighbours. Delegate responsibilities to other trusted adults who can delegate to you when their turn comes. Crowd source resources such as car-shares with families in the same residential area whose children attend similar sports clubs, swimming pools or concert practice. Give and take from parents in similar situations.
If I raised and educated three children, any and all other single mothers can raise and educate their children too! It was very difficult. I often had no sure sense of success. I often went through the hustle alone and fightened. I was sometimes judged harshly before I even started. But alas, the hard task of completing my children’s mandatory education is done!
Mama Stella