follow my main @frazzlemygimp also @gohomepod
Joined June 2018
- Tweets 177
- Following 10
- Followers 23,857
- Likes 112
30 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
28 Sep 2019
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
348
27,543
206,069
john is toast retweeted
Jun 9
Trump finding out the Knicks win streak is 13: im going to fuck it
35
2,074
38,996
819,142
john is toast retweeted
13 Mar 2025
every two years tiger woods either wins a golf thing or crashes his car and dies
3
258
4,345
111,934
john is toast retweeted
8 Jan 2025
first nose wouldn’t even notice if the coke was laced with marbles
252
2,994
81,867
7,323,443
john is toast retweeted
1 Nov 2023
So crazy that Julius Caesar had that line queued up when Brutus stabbed him. If my friend stabbed me id say something like “Ow Ben” or “Whats gotten into you Ben”
36
819
14,246
654,256
john is toast retweeted
30 Sep 2023
Shoot him and make it look like a suicide
I messed up.. I bought a random grocery store and told a random person I’d give him $10,000 everyday he lives in it and it’s been weeks and he shows no signs of ever leaving. I’m gonna go broke 😭
2
19
563
70,813
john is toast retweeted
18 Sep 2023
I know this isnt a script but in real life i have a standup show on friday in brooklyn. If you live in new york you should come instead of spending time on this app. Its 10 bucks but if u cant afford it just dm me
eventbrite.com/e/john-kenned…
4
25
36,764
john is toast retweeted
17 Aug 2023
When I first started writing a movie about Oppenheimer, I never would have thought Christopher Nolan would buy the story from me. We’ve come a long way from my original script versus what made it to screen.
25
233
2,598
203,531
john is toast retweeted
17 Aug 2023
If you can afford doordash more than twice a week you deserve the trauma of your best friend dying in your arms
11
15
260
49,798
john is toast retweeted
18 Jan 2023
If you go to the meadowlands escape room in new jersey and you get to the part where youre holding a stick with a hook at the end of it, DO NOT use it to grab a loose wire on the ceiling. they get pissed AND they dont pause the timer when they come in with a ladder to untangle it
4
8
310
50,443
john is toast retweeted
24 Dec 2022
and they have these huge fucking claws that just tear through flesh. Jamie pull up the video of the biker getting attacked by the grizzly bear. I mean can you imagine staring this thing in the face?
Jesus in headphones and t shirt: i mean its eyes alone are giving me nightmares
1
64
15,271
john is toast retweeted
5 Dec 2022
(already with 4 buzzers just from them asking me about myself) What is a cows favorite moooovie shit wait i meant what is pulp fiction to every cow
1
1
58
john is toast retweeted
28 Nov 2022
[Drinking diet cokes in his underwear and pointing the gun at the mirror] “put the girl down joker”
8
73
1,822
john is toast retweeted
18 Nov 2022
Elon hired me earlier this week to transcribe everything people are saying at Twitter HQ. Here is the last 24 hours
57
926
9,294
john is toast retweeted
16 Nov 2022
Theres a Karate school on my block that records the sound from inside the class and plays it outside to get peoples attention and a kid just broke his hand on a 2x4
5
14
604
john is toast retweeted
14 Nov 2022
In 2019 while working for the Chicago Bulls, I wrote an episode of The Last Dance and pitched it to director Jason Hehir. He told me that it was a documentary based on a real team. Here is my script he rejected
13
103
1,960
john is toast retweeted
10 Nov 2022
Kirby voiced by mitch mcconnell: i sucked up a construction worker and now i got a little hard hat
1
4
71
john is toast retweeted
10 Nov 2022
You remember when chuck e cheese would put old pizza slices together and say its a new pizza thats the government
4
80
1,785
john is toast retweeted
10 Nov 2022
I thought people would be more on board with my Construction Day idea
48
333
6,157