host of canada's 37th most popular local morning news show
Joined June 2014
- Tweets 2,216
- Following 338
- Followers 660
- Likes 35,462
141 Photos and videos
Jun 14
Just got an email from my bank that this year for pride theyre celebrating White Pride :(
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Jun 14
First day as PR guy for Tyson Foods after an severe bacterial outbreak: it’s good that the chicken kills you
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Jun 14
Family guy: the thinking man’s kill Tony, an enfilade of open mic tier jokes created by a guy you semi-dislike who is also probably gay
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Jun 13
I refuse to let advertising work on me. Any time a product is shown to me without my consent, I make a note to never consume this product. I am currently using an Eastern European detergent that makes the clothes and towels smell like gasoline
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Jun 13
Elegant Frenchman: we put ze “j” in our word for “hello”, because it is sensuelle, and délicieuse
Dumb ass wop: Oh! We put a big fat fockin “G” in dere, madon!
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Jun 11
People put asterisks in the middle of famous people names because they forgot how to spell them
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Jun 10
They gotta do a reverse beautiful mind, maybe called a gorgeous mind, about the way actors function
Jun 9
Matthew McConaughey reveals how letting one car merge in traffic gave him a neighbor watching his house for life
"Two-lane highway, traffic jam, moving 5 mph. A lady was waiting to get in. Everyone wants to get forward as quick as possible. I slowed down, let her in"
"15 minutes later, I'm right behind her. As I approach my house, she pulls in the driveway right before me. I get out - it's my neighbor"
"I didn't know it was my neighbor. But I got somebody watching over my house from now on because I let her in. Did I do it hoping to get a neighbor on my side? No. Did I get an army on my side? Yeah"
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Jun 9
Manual into nose grind, into rail grind, into ollie, into pop shove it, into 900, into reverse manual, into heel flip, into kick flip, into backside lip slide into 900 again, and 900 again
Is there anything cooler than Vancouver transforming its science center dome into an official World Cup ball?
So sick.
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Jun 8
Jun 8
bread is stale and the circus sucks. Clown is jacking off. Lion tamer ODing on opiates. Lion is bloated dead. Magician is actually cutting the lady in half in real life. But I’ll keep watching. It’s actually not bad I take it back. They got a big thing of narcan for the elephant.
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Jun 7
Me (being controlled by a sentient moss-like alien): sorry boys, can’t go out tonight, the old moss and chain says so
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Jun 6
Deciding to try out gay slang for the first time on the same day that my one gay friend is going through the most devastating emotional crisis of his life
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Jun 6
(Falling on my face, breaking all my front teeth and my nose, the cartilage rams up into my left optic nerve, severing it completely, leaving me permanently blinded in one eye) lol im in my flop era
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Jun 4
Bro, come on this masculinity retreat, we scream in the Pacific Northwest woods to vent our frustrations because our 37 year old finance bro managers called us “mad gay” for not wanting to work weekends. It’s only 4000 dollars, bro
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Jun 4
Pitching Toyota my new car idea, and it’s exactly the same as the 1997 Corolla, except: no brake lights. “Let’s keep those bastards guessing” I say to the stone faced Japanese business men, “you boys love surprises, as I remember”
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Jun 3
Tired of being objectified… tired of the love bombing… just damn tired of women using me for my 5.427” member, with unremarkable girth
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