British police want to arrest Christian preacher because his prayers have caused anxiety and distress to Muslims. Allah first.

Dear Waymo inventors and developers, your cars are a bunch of hoes. 😂😂

A lot of people of think the RAM crisis is because of AI. It’s not. It’s Apple’s Calculator app in OSX.

This is the greatest fucking concession speech in the history of the world. @spencerpratt

I have heart surgery coming up next week and now understand why I’ve been so physically exhausted and out-of-sorts these past few months. The docs tell me my condition is called “atrial functional tricuspid regurgitation” and that it is “mainly due to long standing atrial fibrillation… The tricuspid valve is leaking severely, causing a back pressure on all the internal organs and a high jugular venous pressure.” The procedure aims to get this old body back on the road again quickly and efficiently.  It is VERY LOW RISK but of course I’m grateful for any good wishes sent my way. I’m in the midst of writing a new book, the best work I’ve ever done, and I’m not going to let this stop me! I said yes to the linked podcast now, rather than after my procedure, for reasons that I explain during the interview: youtube.com/watch?v=Xs94KBeI…

The official line is that they were a Norwegian trade delegation. Technically accurate, because they are Nordic, and there was trade. But they are also seven feet tall, telepathic, and arrived on the South Lawn without a vehicle. I am the Deputy Director of Visitor Logistics at the White House. I logged them into WAVES as FOREIGN DIGNITARIES (3), NON-TERRESTRIAL, NO MOTORCADE REQUIRED, and the meeting went extremely well. The Pleiadians requested the audience in March. They communicate telepathically, which the President respected immediately, because it meant nothing was in writing. They traveled 444 light-years to deliver a warning about our trajectory as a species, the kind of warning a doctor gives a patient who keeps asking if he can smoke in the waiting room. Atomic weapons. Ocean collapse. Machine intelligence. I did not take complete notes, because the meeting ran 25 minutes and he spent the first eleven asking where they got the jackets. Their opening offer: clean fusion, the cure for every disease, the propulsion equations. Free. Contingent on planetary disarmament. His advisors begged him not to negotiate against a species that reads minds. It turned out he is the one man alive with nothing to find. They reached into his mind expecting layer upon layer of deception and found a single image, perfectly clear: him, wearing one of their jackets. The delegation conferred for a long moment and informed us that in eleven thousand years of contact, no species had ever tried to buy the uniform. They called it coherence. They did not mean it as a compliment. He has already trademarked it. He countered. Landing rights, retroactive to 1947. Eighty years of unauthorized airspace use, invoiced with interest. Legal added a line item for the weather balloon story. Narrative services. We billed them for our own cover-up, and the tall one went silent for nine seconds, which I am told is how their species weeps. Greenland stays in the deal. They did not want Greenland. He said that's how he knew it was valuable. What kind of advanced civilization passes on waterfront? Then UFC Freedom 250. This Sunday. Seven bouts on the same lawn we were standing on. His birthday, which he assured them was a coincidence the universe keeps arranging. He offered them galactic distribution rights. Then he looked at the tall one for a long time and offered him the co-main event. Seven feet. Reach like a cathedral door. Walks around at a weight our scales log as an error. Someone said the commission would never sanction it. He appoints the commission. The tall one declined. He lowered the offer to the prelims. This is a negotiating technique. They asked if staging a cage fight on the negotiation site was a threat display. He said it was a Flag Day celebration, and also yes. I should note that an environmental group has sued to stop the octagon. Nobody has sued to stop the aliens. I forwarded this to Counsel as proof that the permitting process is working. Protocol required a gift exchange. They presented a small silver sphere that shows the holder the full consequences of his choices. He looked into it for four seconds and asked if it came in gold. You have all seen the photo. A groundskeeper took it through the magnolias. We told the press pool it was a costume rehearsal for a streaming series, and the pool, to their credit, wrote that down. The groundskeeper now works at the Department of Energy. I am told this is a promotion. There is also footage. He spotted the camera mid-meeting and pointed at it the way you'd point at a waiter whose name you intend to learn. Instead of having it confiscated, he licensed it on the spot. The leak is now official merchandise. Every time you share it, a royalty accrues. You have probably shared it. Have you checked? He thanks you for your business. The deal collapsed at dusk. The Pleiadians withdrew the fusion offer when he asked them to walk out before the main event as Special Guests of the Octagon. They said humanity was not ready. He had Counsel log that as a verbal option to renew. Final tally: our species declined the cure for every disease and counteroffered with pay-per-view. The delegation received two tickets to the Ellipse screening area. Not cageside. He does not give away cageside. They left without sound. One moment present, then elsewhere, like a fee disclosure. Two things before Sunday. The walkout jackets for the main card are red with gold embroidery. Licensed. The fusion fell through, but the jackets closed in an afternoon. And there are three seats on the South Lawn logged as HOLD, GUESTS OF THE PRINCIPAL, DO NOT ASSIGN. I did not enter that hold. The system says I did. He says everyone comes back to the table. We're the only planet with the belt.