Dear Prime Minister & Home Secretary,
I hope this letter finds you well, fully caffeinated, and in possession of a calculator.
Iām writing with what I believe is a modest, fiscally responsible proposal. I understand the Government is offering up to Ā£40,000 to certain individuals to voluntarily leave the United Kingdom. First of all ā bold strategy. Nothing says āstrong bordersā quite like a cashback scheme.
Now, I regret to inform you that I am, in fact, a fully tax-paying, law-abiding British citizen. I know ā awkward. I appreciate this may disqualify me from the premium exit package, but Iām willing to negotiate.
I would like to formally apply for £35,000 to leave.
You see, unlike some applicants, I havenāt broken any laws to get here. I didnāt arrive by dinghy. I didnāt require processing, housing, or legal appeals. Iāve actually been funding the whole operation through PAYE for years ā which I believe makes me a loyal shareholder in this enterprise.
Given that youāre prepared to offer Ā£40,000 for someone to depart voluntarily after entering illegally, I feel Ā£35,000 for someone whoās been here legally all along represents excellent value for money. Think of it as a āBuy British, Get One Goneā discount.
For £35,000 I will:
Ā Ā Ā ā¢Ā Ā Ā Leave quietly.
Ā Ā Ā ā¢Ā Ā Ā Not require a press conference.
Ā Ā Ā ā¢Ā Ā Ā Not demand a diversity officer to wave me off.
Ā Ā Ā ā¢Ā Ā Ā Even carry my own suitcase to the airport.
I may also tweet a polite thank-you note on departure, praising the efficiency of the scheme.
Frankly, it feels like Iāve misunderstood how incentives work in modern Britain. All these years I thought obeying the law, paying taxes, and contributing to society were the winning strategy. Turns out the real pro-move is to arrive unlawfully and wait for a loyalty bonus.
Who knew?
While British families are juggling rent, energy bills, and the weekly food shop like contestants on a dystopian game show, itās reassuring to know the Treasury has located a spare Ā£40,000 per head for voluntary goodbyes.
May I ask ā is there a points card? Ten years of National Insurance contributions and I get a free exit bonus? If so, I believe Iām overdue.
In the spirit of fairness and fiscal responsibility, I am not even asking for the full Ā£40,000. Iām trimming Ā£5,000 off to help balance the books. Thatās the kind of responsible budgeting I was raised on.
If successful, I promise to:
Ā Ā Ā ā¢Ā Ā Ā Leave via a scheduled flight (economy is fine).
Ā Ā Ā ā¢Ā Ā Ā Not stage a protest on the runway.
Ā Ā Ā ā¢Ā Ā Ā And refrain from re-entering on a small boat to see if I qualify twice.
All I ask is equal treatment. If departure is now a funded career pathway, I would very much like to submit my CV.
Yours in hopeful relocation,
A slightly confused taxpayer