Eye doc. Generally a skeptic. Always has a half-rotten bag of salad in the fridge.
Joined June 2015
- Tweets 842
- Following 882
- Followers 948
- Likes 3,171
70 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
9 Feb 2023
Is it just me or are the “select all squares with crosswalks” things getting a lot harder these days
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Mar 13
The face you make when you're changing an overhead light bulb is the real you
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They should invent a medical system that helps sick people
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Car: omg check your engine!
Me: oh no, what’s wrong with it?
Car: fuck if I know.
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Jan 24
Just got to the part in Mean Girls where they're doing their apologies and one girl says "Alexa, I'm sorry i called you a gap-toothed bitch" and my Amazon Alexa said "no worries"
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Jan 23
How do they know if an animal is extinct like did they really check everywhere?
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Jan 24
My emergency preparedness kit just contains all the ingredients necessary to make nachos
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Jan 24
My 5yo niece got bangs, so I guess she's going through some stuff
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30 Nov 2025
Me: drinking a single, lovely glass of champagne
12 year old who has been taking DARE: ‘are you enjoying your depressant’?
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14 Nov 2025
you think it's easy being this goddamn positive all the fucking time
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13 Nov 2025
Wife bought something on
FB Marketplace but she's afraid she'll get kidnapped so she sends me to pick it up from a guy who's wife sent him because she's afraid to get kidnapped.
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13 Nov 2025
They say half the battle of getting in shape is mental so I thought about the gym really hard today
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13 Nov 2025
I just took 18 pictures of a bird. Someone call the nursing home, I’m ready.
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14 Nov 2025
Step 1 of any recipe should be my husband stops standing in front of the drawer I need
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10 Jun 2025
Mixing 1% milk and 2% milk to create the forbidden 1.72% milk
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11 Jun 2025
Imagine if we had to worry about dinosaurs too on top of everything else.
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12 Mar 2025
You can just tell that the person who came up with the spelling for Wednesday was kind of a dick.
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11 Mar 2025
the dentist asking if a monday at 2pm in november works & you just have to be like Well Ok.
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