R twitter.com/search?q=from:si… Remember to reinstall your phase converter to 31° left of center.
Joined October 2014
- Tweets 77,746
- Following 5,129
- Followers 5,095
- Likes 59,986
3,853 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
22 Jun 2025
Consider the lilies of the field;
They toil not, and while you’re doing that, I will be over here going through your stuff.
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Bob Odenkirk steps back into his Better Call Saul role for a 250-year US anniversary video.
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11 Jul 2024
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
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Financial advisor: I don’t think you quite have the meaning of starting a shell company.
Me: Here. Hold this one up to your ear. It may change your mind.
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The plural of cole slaw is cole slew
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Elon Musk must be forced to hand over his $1 trillion.
It should be given to policitans to redistribute. They are the only ones who can be trusted to spend it wisely.
Spread the wealth ✊
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Jun 14
“Is that a chicken riding a pig? Why do you show me these things?”
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Jun 14
when i get my passport card renewed i'm going somewhere exotic like Calgary
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Celebrating the end of Pride Month by playing ‘Call Me By Your Name’
on the tv in the guest room while I read a bio of Patton in the living room.
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May 15
You can tell a lot about a woman by how quickly she produces pepper spray.
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Jun 13
Here's the man that provided the inspiration
youtu.be/WqxIzw1gadM?si=rgaj…
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Vets prescribe medicine to put in your cat’s eyes then laugh their asses off after you leave.
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Jun 11
getting all fucked up on spray starch, maybe you should take off your shirt
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Jun 11
Just entered to win some patio furniture and I'mma need you guys to send me all your thoughts and prayers
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What if instead of Icarus being warned about not flying too close to the sun, instead it was not going into a tent with a knife and being asked to leave 15 times?
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The story of Icarus provides us with a valuable lesson: never fuck up real bad
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Guy somewhere in Japan using Rosetta Stone:
Repeat after me as you learn your next, three words in English:
Chair
Ferret
Fuddruckers
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30 May 2023
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds...
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
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16 Sep 2023
My old gym teacher on Facebook: Proud to announce the birth of my new grand baby. We love you Bander!😃
Me six beers deep in the comments: Been playin dodgeball like a mothafucka lately Coach G✌️
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