voted Sexiest Man Alive within a fairly small pool of candidates
Joined November 2012
- Tweets 74,362
- Following 7,607
- Followers 7,750
- Likes 97,582
571 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
9 Sep 2020
We’ve all got our demons. I’ve got two rescue demons, but I should say they rescued me.
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Detective: Half-eaten Swiss cheese on an English muffin and a new kitchen sponge. There are a lot of holes in this story.
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I know I said “Alright, alright, alright” with a Southern accent years before that asshole, Matthew McConaughey.
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Jun 13
I want a refund on every minute I spent in 8th grade learning that monopolies are illegal and that our government would protect us from greedy men....
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Vets prescribe medicine to put in your cat’s eyes then laugh their asses off after you leave.
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People with freckles prefer you ask their permission before you scan them for a QR code. But you can always just zoom in.
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Jun 10
I eat broken cookies first because I feel bad for them.
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Just looking . . . is acceptable aa Macy's and JC Penny, but not the gym . . . I know this now.
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Jun 10
Cough drops are just candy that grew up and got a job.
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I'll be out doing hot girl shit in the city today.
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Jun 9
Deliciously frightening if literal: ham-fisted
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Jun 9
I don't want to brag, but I’ve learned that the secret to a good life is simple: stop expecting, start appreciating, and keep moving.
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Jun 9
You're always going out shortly if you're not tall.
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Jun 7
There is a tree out there growing wood for your coffin.
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Why must everything be maxxxed these days when half-assed is where I really shine.
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10 Jul 2025
Here's my offer: I lean on a fence and watch your cows. You pay me what you think it's worth.
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One day I'll probably look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
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Jun 6
Rage Bait: I live two blocks from the beach and hardly ever go
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On average, I spend about $150 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
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Jun 6
I’m concerned that my grown children keep telling me that the cute stuff I send them on their phones is AI.
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I keep all my toenails trimmed short except my left pinky toe, because you never know.
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