Held together by superglue and sarcasm. Attempting to kick cancer’s ass. Not actually a lawyer. (she/her)

Joined April 2011
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How your emails finds me
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i’m actually stealing AI’s job (wasting resources and making up stupid shit)
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*fills out form* *clicks "send me a copy"* email: *dings* me: ooh what's that
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men invented handshakes so they could hold hands in the workplace
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Looking at bulges on the early morning train commute thinking each might be the one
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I felt bad about myself…then I saw a man wearing pants that zipped off into shorts
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RT @yeeeerika: the human spirit was not designed for this many passwords
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I heard a cyber truck runs on man jizz.
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Well, it finally happened. I tried to say "all good" and "no problem" on a work call and it came out "all problem"
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I like when all of New England comes together over worldly wonders such as a meteor exploding over the south shore
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Every gym mirror should come with a built-in height chart for dating app douchebag accountability.
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No you misunderstood I said I was "whining and dining".
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May 16
not a jack of all trades but a hoe of all hobbies
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sugar daddy: I'm gonna spoil you salt daddy: I'm gonna preserve you
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Yeah, I keep that thing on me. And by that thing I mean a block of Kerrygold salted butter.
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i want a small, tasteful wedding. no friends. no family. no groom. just me and an open bar
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I'm going low carb (removing that middle bun from Big Macs).
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Cambridge, Allston, Southie
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This is third time someone tried to kill that man it’s not news anymore I’m trying to watch the playoffs
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The giant spider in my room is now named Cotton Eyed Joe, because I want to know two things: -where did he come from -where did he go
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Even Kermit is just trying to get through 2026
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