Writer, sit-down comedian, stay-at-home raconteur, truck stop aficionado, fountain drink sommelier, fluorescent light appreciator, opinion sharer, and essayist
Joined July 2017
- Tweets 21,617
- Following 11,929
- Followers 11,271
- Likes 12,067
5,776 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
22 Apr 2021
TW: Gun violence, murder, extreme satire. No one should read this.
“We can keep our guns and reduce the randomness and terror of unexpectedly losing our family members. Shooting your own kids is the best, if not only, rational solution.”
hittingthetrifecta.com/2018/…
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Hitting The Trifecta retweeted
26 Aug 2023
If you get this, you are probably over 50.
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27 Jul 2023
@DominionEnergy now on my 3rd day of sitting on hold for 1 hr each time, getting the runaround. My bill is 2-3x what it should be based on hist. usage. Your staff is useless. I can show literal numbers and they just say "it's summer." No shit. I'm comparing summer to summer.
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27 Jul 2023
I think your business model is essentially (1) present a wrong (high) bill, (2) make the customer fight with an illiterate moron to no avail, (3) recognize we have no choice in electric service and (4) collect our payments all the same.
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21 Jun 2023
The linkedin status thing that says "Jim Smith celebrates this" always makes me think of Office Space.
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Hitting The Trifecta retweeted
5 May 2023
“Liking things is gay.”
5 May 2023
Never seen Star Wars.
None of them.
Never will.
“Omg you’re missing out”
Maybe.
You’re missing out on being a multi-millionaire.
Keep your movie.
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3 May 2023
If you’re tired of doing meth alone, try new Congregational Meth.
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12 Apr 2023
“Fans want more scoring. What do I know. Here you fuckin’ go.”
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12 Apr 2023
“Ranch Water” always makes me envision putting some water in the Hidden Valley bottle to get the last bits out.
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Hitting The Trifecta retweeted
11 Apr 2023
“Before I was married, I subscribed to a magazine exclusively focused on black holes. I can tell you, Floridians don’t want this kind of smut forced on their college students.” #blackhole
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8 Apr 2023
Quotes from old Adam Sandler albums still pop into my head daily. Lately, my favorite has been:
“OOOOH have another one you fuckin’ lush. It’s not my fault the bartender cut you off last night YOU FUCKIN PRICK.”
😂
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6 Apr 2023
I wish someone would pay me hush money. I’ll hush all the way up.
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6 Apr 2023
“In red states, it’s established that you can dabble in less-masculine activities as long as you clarify that you are not a homosexual. This verbiage allows our clientele to continue drinking our beer without raising the suspicion that they might like to explore their sexuality.”
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6 Apr 2023
If you have time to pull over in your decked out F150 to hop on your iPhone 14 and bitch about what a multibillion dollar company does with their marketing budget, you’re living the life your great-grandparents dreamed you’d someday have. #blessed 😂
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4 Apr 2023
Saw Chesty XVI earlier today! (Not my pic…didn’t get a chance to snap a photo when I saw him). This is officially the most important famous being I’ve ever been within 20 paces of.
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1 Apr 2023
This church's name sounds like Jesus was trying to stay incognito and had to come up with a fake name really quickly. Ummmm….Christ…cross..man? Yeah that’s it. Christ Crossman.
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31 Mar 2023
Remembering 20ish years ago, on a cruise. Went to one of the shows, blind guy with a guide dog comes in and sits a few rows in front of me. Lady a few seats down says to her friend, loudly and disapprovingly, “HMM, I DIDN’T KNOW THEY LET DAWWWGS ON THE CRUISE.”
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31 Mar 2023
Every one of these Republicans who is so publicly up in arms about Trump’s indictment is LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF behind closed doors.
He has no friends, only grifters who use him.
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30 Mar 2023
Yeah, cocky, well-known sex traffickers tend to have pretty big enemies.
30 Mar 2023
You can judge a man by the power of his enemies.
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