I'm only on season 3 of the news. No spoilers please.
Joined February 2015
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Pinned Tweet
14 Nov 2024
Like all the cool kids, I'm on Blue Sky these days
bsky.app/profile/arfmeasures…
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2 May 2019
Me: There's no lamb
Chef: Then grill the chicken
Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you son of a bitch
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31 Aug 2019
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he's coming
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7 Nov 2019
Me: I've broken my leg
Doctor: We can fix it
Me: And I'm a little hoarse
Doctor *cocks shotgun* I see
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Jon retweeted
12 Dec 2024
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
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Jon retweeted
Nigel Farage Listens to the News
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13 Feb 2019
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you're fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
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Jon retweeted
21 Jan 2020
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: Because of something my boss said
Interviewer: It says here you were fired
Me: That's the thing he said
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Jon retweeted
30 Apr 2018
Therapist: What's wrong?
Me: If I do the Borat voice once more, I'll be getting a divorce
Therapist: And who told you that?
Me: *tearfully clears throat*
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Jon retweeted
8 Oct 2017
WOMAN: some people shouldn't have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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10 Oct 2019
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing
Me: I said I'm useless at remembering people's names
Wife: It's Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
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6 May 2019
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
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28 Mar 2015
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* "We've got a 13-88 in progress...it's a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn't know it"
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Feb 12
jim ratcliffe: [seeing man utd experiencing hope and optimism for the first time in 13 years] well.. better tell everyone i'm racist
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Jon retweeted
Feb 7
Can we normalize saying we love a book without remembering anything about it.
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4 Jun 2018
GOD: 8
ANGEL: 9!
GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk
ANGEL: 10 lol
GOD: 15!!
ANGEL *mouthful of pizza* 25
GOD: 30!!
CENTIPEDE: *tearing up* stop giving me legs, I look stupid
GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL
ANGEL: LMAO
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Jon retweeted
11 Nov 2015
I'm looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
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18 Oct 2019
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don't need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
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