Liberals say that the algae in the reflecting pool is symbolic of the rot at the heart of our democracy. They're wrong—it's symbolic of the rot at the heart of our republic.

Me: "My problem is that you left me an invalid doortag number" @FedExHelp @FedEx AI Customer Service Bot: "I cannot connect you to an agent without a valid doortag number... goodbye"

"What a hilariously bizarre thing to write an article about" - people from like 3 weeks in the past

JD is literally the only person who did his job on Iran: taking the fall for Trump

There’s always a tweet.

“Where is Vader today?” “He’s paying the Rebel Alliance $300 billion dollars after defeating them completely, every day for the last four months, sir.”

I love that MAGA has hitched their political self-worth to this.

Verizon used to have DC locked down and now you can barely get a signal anywhere. I don't know how you can fuck up a network so badly.

USA. A Mexican restaurant. We had not yet ordered anything, and the food was already arriving. Chips. Salsa. Unrequested. Free. I stopped the waiter. "We have not earned these." "They just come with the table, man." They come with the TABLE. In my land, hospitality is a debt. Every gift creates an obligation, weighed carefully, returned in the proper season with interest of feeling. Here, the gift arrives before you have even proven you can pay for dinner. This is not an appetizer. This is a declaration: we trust you. Eat. I ate with the gravity the moment deserved. And then — I must report this calmly — the basket emptied, and a new one appeared. "Did we…?" "Refill," the waiter said. "It's bottomless." Bottomless. They have wells of salsa. The supply lines of this nation are beyond anything my ancestors imagined. My friend warned me. "Don't fill up on chips, dude." Too late. I had accepted three baskets. Honor demanded each one be finished — an unfinished gift is an insult. By the time my actual food arrived, I was a ruined man. I was not hungry. I was not comfortable. I had been defeated by a courtesy. Generosity that arrives before the request cannot be repaid. It can only be survived. I know the rule now. I have made my peace with the basket. One basket. Two at the most. Who am I deceiving. There is no number of baskets I would refuse. The trust of a nation is in that salsa, and I intend to honor all of it.

Philly should just declare ourselves the nation’s capital again

There is some heavy competition, but I think hardest MAGA has ever simped is cheering so hard for their tax dollars to be spent on vanity projects in Washington DC that it created a whole news cycle about fountains and shit

Met Hunter Biden when I was just starting out in DC. One of the kindest people I ran into in my early years. The problem that the MAGA griftfluencers are having with him dicing them online right now is that he's also one of the smartest people I've ever run into.

Immediately snatched a fish out of the river and devoured it raw while ranting about "filthy bidenses"

Motorcycles are woke... Beer is woke... Music is woke... Movies are woke... Football is woke. What does MAGA have left other than fingering their cousin?

What's amazing to me is that, 10 years apart, there are the exact same clouds in the exact same positions. DC truly is a magical place

Graham Platner is the Hunter Biden Summer of Senate candidates

Things most Americans agree on: Groceries cost too much. Tariffs suck and make no sense. Congress and Presidents shouldn’t trade stocks. The debt is a mess. The border should be secure, but legal immigration is good. Endless wars are stupid, especially ones that nobody wants and have never been explained. Americans are exhausted. AI is like my new best friend that also might be trying to take my job, my ability to think for myself, and my humanity in the process. Yo like I love you, but WTF, but I still love you. Diversity is actually awesome! The opposite is boring AF. Canadians are super fucking cool. Mexicans are chill. Putin isn’t a good guy looking out for America’s best interest. Rocky IV and Miracle are great movies. Good neighbors are a blessing. Freedom of religion and coexistence without having to blow each other up is probably a good idea. We all question, are we alone in the universe? We all fuck up along the way. Epstein didn’t hang himself. The Trumps and Epstein were best friends for decades. It’s like Bert trying to tell us Ernie was just an acquaintance in the same social scene on Sesame Street back in the day. The Cowboys suck. Go Birds! Things we’re told to fight about: Me. Laptop. Vaccines. Transgenders in sports. Pronouns. That’s the joke.

It most definitely was not. I would never have forgotten my drugs.

“We know he’s healthy because he enjoys taking the same dementia test over and over” might not be the best argument

MAGA is the dumbest threat the world has ever faced.