Joined May 2015
- Tweets 30,893
- Following 1,324
- Followers 6,944
- Likes 45,279
1,804 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
17 Jan 2022
Her: I've found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
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Daveastated retweeted
May 27
🚨 Hi everyone. To celebrate Arsenal’s title win I'll be giving away THREE 'Champions' prints by the brilliant @matthewjiwood to three random winners
- Simply repost this to enter
Winners picked on Saturday.
(If you're not feeling lucky the prints - and loads of others - can be found here: matthewjiwood.com/arsenal-po…)
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May 14
Fleamarket stand that only sells Looney Tunes Headwear.
Call it: "Hat Stall Folks."
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Apr 21
After 50 the "forgot password" option should be all the proof they need that the account is yours.
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Apr 21
Since 1973 the Endangered Species Act required construction cease until an ecological survey is carried out if the work might encroach on the habitat of an endangered species.
Therefore Bruce Wayne must've only made cosmetic changes to the Bat Cave since then.
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Daveastated retweeted
Jan 25
I've combined my degree in taxidermy with my bomb making skills so now I can now make you an otter you can't defuse...
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Jan 19
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need you to spell the word “lose”
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20 Dec 2025
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14 Jul 2024
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
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3 Dec 2025
Kinda bored. Gonna rub my eyes till I see cool shapes and colors.
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25 Nov 2025
Chicken Soup for the Soul but it's Campbell's
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Daveastated retweeted
19 Nov 2025
If Baz Luhrmann did North London derbies....🎥⚽️🚨
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Daveastated retweeted
19 Nov 2025
Never met a faux I couldn't pas
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8 Nov 2025
*Auditioning for the role of Frankenstein's monster*
Did I get the parts?
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4 Nov 2025
I barely get a mention in my wife's new autobiography, which says a lot more about her than it does about me.
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Daveastated retweeted
3 Nov 2025
soupsational, soupillating, soupendous
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31 Oct 2025
New tour dates have just landed. I’ll add them and a link in the comments plus there should be a link in my bio. Some of my big regular towns are still missing but they’ll be added. We’ll get to Leeds, Brum, Glasgow, Ireland etc etc. don’t worry.
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Daveastated retweeted
29 Oct 2025
Instead of Halloween decorations, I just wheel an old TV out and pop in VHS tapes of my childhood
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Daveastated retweeted
12 Oct 2025
2025 minivan: I have navigation and TVs to keep kiddies entertained
1990 minivan: I have ashtrays for the entire family
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