@MichaelTrying profile picture
MichaelTrying @MichaelTrying

Perfecting the art of minding my own business. Nodding when crazy people talk is not endorsement.

Joined July 2016
  • Tweets 41,644
  • Following 7,193
  • Followers 7,886
70 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
MichaelTrying@MichaelTrying
28 Apr 2024
One day I'd like to try out an intended consequence.
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MichaelTrying retweeted
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF@sofarrsogud
29 Sep 2024
[doing curls with a Whopper in Burger King] *turns to lady behind me* It's a double
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MichaelTrying retweeted
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF@sofarrsogud
30 Sep 2024
Got shoved in a locker at the gym again for calling the four dudes on the treadmills 'bro-etry in motion'.
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MichaelTrying retweeted
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF@sofarrsogud
1 Oct 2024
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions And send
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MichaelTrying retweeted
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF@sofarrsogud
2 Oct 2024
One time my wife bought some white lawn fertilizer so I called it 'growcaine' and then my mother in law tried to drown me in the toilet.
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MichaelTrying retweeted
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF@sofarrsogud
2 Oct 2024
WIFE: I saw a couch I really like in IKEA ME: Can we affjord it HER: Get out.
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MichaelTrying retweeted
SpacedMom@copymama
12 Sep 2024
The most badass piece of graffiti I ever saw said “Fuck Airbnb”
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MichaelTrying retweeted
SpacedMom@copymama
16 Sep 2024
School mornings are so sweet, I put my kids’ lunches in their backpacks, tell them I love them, hand them their obscenely large Stanley water buckets and send them on their way.
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MichaelTrying retweeted
SpacedMom@copymama
3 Oct 2024
I have a friend I text with twice a year on our birthdays, and both times we say we miss each other and should get together soon and sincerely mean it, and then never actually get together and it’s the best.
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MichaelTrying retweeted
SpacedMom@copymama
18 Sep 2024
Oh, your man sends you flirty texts? Big deal, my phone gets blown up all day with login verification codes and doctor’s appointment reminders.
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MichaelTrying retweeted
SpacedMom@copymama
20 Sep 2024
*Tells my mom and mother-in-law a piece of news about my 14yo daughter* 14: OMG CAN YOU NOT TELL THE ENTIRE BLOODLINE???
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MichaelTrying retweeted
SpacedMom@copymama
23 Sep 2024
Me: Ugh, look at how obnoxious this Facebook post is. It’s just an excuse to brag, their marriage probably isn’t even that happy. Also me: *hearts post*
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MichaelTrying retweeted
SpacedMom@copymama
30 Sep 2024
When random strangers ask if my daughter got her red hair from the mailman, I find it very offensive. Like first of all, our mailman isn’t even attractive.
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MichaelTrying retweeted
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF@sofarrsogud
26 Sep 2024
[wife comes home to se me wearing cooked spaghetti on my head] I'm a pastafarian Sharon
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MichaelTrying retweeted
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF@sofarrsogud
27 Sep 2024
Why did they call them voice notes and not earmail
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MichaelTrying retweeted
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF@sofarrsogud
24 Sep 2024
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
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MichaelTrying retweeted
SpacedMom@copymama
26 Sep 2024
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
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