Joined October 2009
- Tweets 9,803
- Following 246
- Followers 2,616
- Likes 91,010
294 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
If I had a nickel for every orgasm I've given a woman, I'd have a hundred counterfeit dollars.
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psychopaths: learning to perform emotions they don't feel
autistics: learning to perform emotions they actually feel
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Something about this acupuncturist makes me nervous. I've been in the waiting room for an hour sitting on pins and needles.
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This would get a thousand likes if my account had any friggin reach after 16 years.
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I'm so money and I don't even know it π΅πΈ retweeted
Something about this acupuncturist makes me nervous. I've been in the waiting room for an hour sitting on pins and needles.
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Imagine working on your sense of humor for years until it looks like you're funny without even trying.
Only for your friend to tell you that you're funnier when you don't try to be funny.
Like, no no no, you're mistaken. I didn't work this hard to be "accidentally funny."
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I'm so money and I don't even know it π΅πΈ retweeted
Jun 11
I'm bringing donuts to work as a gesture to show that I'm not doing anything at work for the rest of the week
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"Please arrive 15 minutes before your appointment."
Ok, no... So *that's* the new appointment time then.
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DEAREST MASSACHUSETTS, LIBERAL HAVEN AND INTERNATIONALLY-CELEBRATED HUB OF MEDICINE,
I AM A THOROUGHLY INSURED ADULT AND UPSTANDING CITIZEN WHO CONTRIBUTES TO SOCIETY.
MAY I PLEASE, AT ANY TIME THIS YEAR, SEE A FUCKING DOCTOR?
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I'm so money and I don't even know it π΅πΈ retweeted
Fortune cookies can give you fiber but you have to eat them in one bite.
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Took a friend to see Alanis and her audio was way too quiet. After six or so songs of people yelling "Turn your mic up!" they finally fixed it. Then I yelled "Too loud!" and about 30 heads turned in my direction.
I was at a small venue in Long Island and a dude screamed this right before a set. The comedic timing was fantastic.
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I'm so money and I don't even know it π΅πΈ retweeted
Tried one of those "learn a language while you sleep" systems and it's total garbage.
All I remember from it is "Mata a tu familia" and between that and the fake passport I'm getting for reasons I can't recall, I'm bleeding money.
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I'm so money and I don't even know it π΅πΈ retweeted
I once tried mixing vodka with wheatgrass juice but I didn't like it.
Probably for the best because what if I did and drank it all the time and ended up being a 130-year-old alcoholic?
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I'm so money and I don't even know it π΅πΈ retweeted
I miss Gene Kelly so much that I still visit the cemetery once a year to tap dance on his grave.
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I'm so money and I don't even know it π΅πΈ retweeted
What a morning. Got run over by one of those bloodmobiles and I still owed them half a pint after.
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I'm so money and I don't even know it π΅πΈ retweeted
Jun 5
β‘π¨ TRENDING π¨β‘
Jimmy Dore just went OFF on Tucker Carlsonβs show over what he calls the failed cover-up surrounding the Charlie Kirk assassination. π
The conversation is already getting people talking across social media.
What are your thoughts on his take?
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I'm so money and I don't even know it π΅πΈ retweeted
May 30
Heβs in a rush at the weed store put him behind three middle aged white women who are asking the cashier βwhat does this one make you feel likeβ
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I'm so money and I don't even know it π΅πΈ retweeted
Call me a raging antisemite but I just don't think the only country to ever use nuclear weapons and the only country lying about having nuclear weapons should be the ones deciding who gets nuclear weapons
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