Behold my many, many rules for interacting with me.
Joined November 2013
- Tweets 59,331
- Following 4,785
- Followers 5,801
- Likes 193,122
260 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
23 Jun 2024
And then the little dog would say "yo quiero Taco Bell" and we would all laugh and laugh. It was a simpler time.
123
8,209
60,197
2,136,797
You youngsters have no idea what the 70s were like.
CC: @Bob_Janke
50 years ago today, The Gong Show premiered.
And every show was absolute chaos. 😂😂
1
3
12
765
RunwayDan retweeted
“Is that a chicken riding a pig? Why do you show me these things?”
5
11
229
RunwayDan retweeted
You don't like the color green? Well, I had a green shirt once so I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE ATTACKING ME
1
5
14
287
RunwayDan retweeted
I've decided to take things more personally than ever
2
31
56
1,409
RunwayDan retweeted
Jun 13
I want to introduce you to Steve. He’s 83. His wife died a few months ago and he comes to this lodge in Spring Mill, Indiana and draws. He taught art in Terre Haute, IN his whole life. He also did courtroom sketches in court cases. In the comments I’ll share some pics from his sketchbook. He was excited when I said I was going to share his sketches with the world.
4,208
13,113
130,832
3,147,668
RunwayDan retweeted
16 Feb 2021
One time I listened to just over half of a Black-eyed Peas song and forgot how to chew food.
4
132
253
RunwayDan retweeted
13 May 2014
R2D2 is just an excuse to stuff a midget in a garbage can.
5
70
113
RunwayDan retweeted
Jun 13
And then the monkeys would starve because they’d realize there weren’t actually 1 trillion bananas, but only the promise of 1 trillion bananas that could be produced by a special banana tree that only the dead monkey knew how to grow.
in nature if a monkey hoarded 1 trillion bananas the other monkeys would beat that monkey to death and take his bananas
37
451
5,093
87,139
RunwayDan retweeted
2 May 2019
Me: There's no lamb
Chef: Then grill the chicken
Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you son of a bitch
23
1,442
8,172
RunwayDan retweeted
Arresting officer: Put your hands down! I mean both of them. And for god's sake, stop hula hooping.
4
33
92
3,258
RunwayDan retweeted
Jun 13
Imagine being created by Jim Henson precisely just so that Grover can always fuck your order up. That is the hell this man lives in.
58
214
3,410
73,381
RunwayDan retweeted
Jun 13
Prior to the invention of gum, people had to blow bubbles with a gelatinous paste made out of pine sap and polio.
2
14
30
725
RunwayDan retweeted
Jun 12
The coyote says “I can’t believe this dumb motherfucker lets me live on his farm.”
50
217
3,329
72,532
RunwayDan retweeted
Jun 13
A fish wouldn't feed me for a day. I hate fish. Everybody knows this.
13
42
118
3,366
RunwayDan retweeted
Jun 13
Karate instructor said he has no more he can teach me (dad’s check bounced).
2
28
76
1,937
RunwayDan retweeted
I'd ask them if their planet was populated with self-aggrandizing asshats who inject politics into science and publicly display their hubris and desperation for validation. If they answer in the affirmative, I'll give them your address so they can come collect you.
28
51
1,327
16,886
RunwayDan retweeted
25 Apr 2024
Drinking pickle juice straight from the jar might be the fountain of youth. We don't know. I'll keep you posted but it seems to be fixing me.
17
248
1,990
113,850