Heβs so right:
A sharp, successful young man I know recently told me he is sweating his first dinner with his girlfriendβs family. He thinks sheβs the one. He doesnβt want to mess this up.
Listen up.
They arenβt interviewing you. Youβre interviewing them.
Your future wife is a product of the people who raised her. If theyβre decent, solid, optimistic, and morally upright, youβve hit the jackpot. Take it.
But if theyβre corrupt, cruel, or hollow, think long and hard before you put a ring on her finger.
No, this isnβt a claim that women with rough childhoods or lousy parents canβt find a good path and become wonderful moms. Many do.
Some of the strongest women youβll ever meet were raised by wolves. But sheβs running the race twenty yards behind, and you need to know that going in.
You arenβt marrying a woman. Youβre marrying a family. Warts, scars, holidays, and all.
Cinderella and Pretty Woman arenβt just stories about the women. Theyβre stories about the men too. Good men carry something in their wiring that wants to rescue women with sad histories.
That instinct isnβt a flaw. Itβs part of what makes a man worth marrying. But you have to walk in with your eyes wide open, not your heart leading the way.
And if her father doesnβt ask you hard questions, be afraid. Good fathers donβt sit back and watch their daughters marry strangers. Good fathers donβt let their daughters marry degenerates without a fight.
If she really is the one, a little tension at that dinner table is the best outcome you can hope for. It means both sides are paying attention. It means both sides care.ββββββββββββββββ
Believe me, I know. My wife and I both lost our Dads before we met, and we trauma bonded hard.
Her dad was hard on her, and she didnβt talk about him much. He had some bad moments too from PTSD and was wounded from a grenade as an infantry Sargent in Nam.
It took years for me to understand who he was.
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Church every Sunday
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Decorated war hero
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Boy Scout leader
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Upright NYPD officer
So much more, those are just the highlights.
Nothing has contributed more to my happiness and the health and success of my kids than this man and woman in the photo.
A man I never once met. A woman who was grieving when I met her.
He died on the job in his forties.
Iβm saying all this because I dodged a bullet. I went into marriage blind. I got incredibly lucky that Herbert Miller was a stand-up guy.
I owe Herbert everything I cherish most in life.
A man I never met. A man I donβt even have many photos of because it was he who always held the camera.
And I owe the woman who raised four great kids then lost her love too young.
Happy Motherβs Day, Carol. Iβm deeply sorry we couldnβt be there when you died during COVID.
I pray you and Herb are together again and I pray I get to meet Herb one day in the far future.
Thank you for raising a wonderful, strong, and brilliant daughter.