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CHARISMA: DOMINANCE AS SELF EXPRESSION
(Extract from KU/NO: IT'S A HIT, STUPID chapter 03 INITIATE)
Someone has to go first. Someone has to set up the game for everyone else to play. Someone must press the first note, say the first word, create the first intent, set the pace, the rhythm.
In every room, every conversation, every situation where something could happen — there's a moment. The moment before someone moves. Before someone speaks. Before someone decides.
Most people wait. Wait to see if someone else will go. They wait for a signal. They wait for permission. They wait for the situation to become clear enough that moving feels safe.
Sometimes, after the permission is open, people still look around for another confirmation that the permission was actually set.
The person who acts first owns everything.
THE GERMAN SITUATION
You're in bar where you don't know anyone. After a while, while playing pool you meet a mixed group of of 4-6 expats. They are charismatic and friendly and obviously know each other. You're playing, distracted, then realize they switched back to talking in German, which you barely understand and haven't used in many years. You barely get a word of what is happening but there are jokes being told and people laughing. You start feeling left out. You wait to see if the conversation returns to English, and play a couple of turns while you finish your beer. The group dynamic is definitively leaving you out. You feel that itch. The discomfort.
Your options - from submission to dominance.
A) Adapt - Switch to speaking in your bad, broken German.
B) Exit - Wait for the proper moment and leave quietly.
C) Endure - Wait and hope it changes.
D) Plead - tell them you feel left out.
E) Judge - complain that they should speak English.
F) Command - tell them to speak in English.
G) Lead - Address the group leader: So where are you guys from?
WHAT IS DOMINANCE
Picture this.
You're alone, in a room, with complete freedom, no external story to compete with - and you were just told you won the biggest lottery in country. Starting tomorrow, you're worth billions.
Feel that expansion. How external walls, obstacles, dissolve to a point the story itself is overridden from the center.
This is your dominance force. The expression of self.
This energy is expressed through frame, and then through behavior.
Your expressed dominance is the negotiation between your boundaries, or where you think they are, and everyone else's.
You expressed dominance allocates your story, your oscillation, in the main orchestra.
Dominance is the polarity of KU, expressed from Above, Submission is the polarity of NO, expressed from Below.
Dominance is not aggression - or, aggression is uncalibrated dominance. You can dominate every place you're in, by the mere act of being, and in a way that is perfectly socially calibrated and useful.
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DOMINANCE RADIUS CHART
At the center there's ME. The self. The power is stronger near the center and it dissolves as it reaches the surface. A magnetic field.
To one extreme you have full dominance and self expression, you lead and the music follows. To the other extreme you follow the music, vibrating with it. In the middle you freeze, or exit.
The radius of ME.
Center - Just do / Lead. No friction, you do what you want. You take action, go first, unprompted. The new situation is created from nothing.
Near center - Command. You know what you want, others need to be told. You tell them explicitly what that is.
Middle ring - Judge. You pass judgement, others decide whether to follow or not.
Outer ring - Plead / Drama. You appeal to empathy, moving from self assertion into permission seeking. It's in their hands to comply or not.
Further out - Endure. You're still holding the want in, sustaining the tension without expression. The repressed energy transforms into resentment.
Edge - Exit. You've decided this is not your story. You leave.
Surface - Adapt. Full submission. Your wants dissolve and merge with the external current. You're now on the trail of an external ME.
DOMINANCE - CONTROL - SURRENDER
The dominance expresses differently from the Above and Below frames, it changes polarity. Or, before pure assertive dominance flips sides to surrender, it turns into its feminine form, control.
The masculine form is assertive, the feminine is restrictive.
The difference isn't the level of assertiveness. It's the direction of the energy. Control pushes down and restricts. Dominance pulls forward and inspires.
Negative, NO mind, Below: Control
Controls implies external force that is applied with the intent of restricting or changing behavior. Think mother and toddler, middle manager with non compliant employee. Think of self control, discipline, rules, management, regulation, nagging. From the radius: Endure, Plead / Drama, and some Judge.
Positive, KU mind, Above: Dominance (charisma)
Leading. It asserts the path and all of a sudden it's obvious for anyone around it that this is the way to go. Think of charismatic leader, a good older bother, a good strong father, a rightful king. Think of inspiration, flow, freedom, adventure, being "in the zone". From the radius: Lead, Command, and some Judge.
FIND YOURSELF: DOMINANCE, SUBMISSION, OR CONTROL
Respond while being brutally honest.
1) You're in a meeting. Someone presents a bad idea with confidence. The room starts nodding.
A) You say clearly: that won't work, here's why.
B) You think it won't work but stay quiet — not your place to say.
C) You wait until after and tell someone privately it was a bad idea.
2) You're with a group deciding where to eat. Nobody can agree. Ten minutes pass.
A) You pick a place. Let's go.
B) You suggest a few options and wait to see what lands.
C) You're fine with anywhere but keep steering away from the places you don't want.
3) Someone in your life repeatedly crosses a line you've mentioned before.
A) You address it directly and name the consequence clearly.
B) You bring it up again hoping this time it lands.
C) You say nothing but start withdrawing quietly.
4) You're attracted to someone. The moment is there.
A) You move. You say something. You make it happen.
B) You wait for a clearer signal. Maybe next time.
C) You engineer the situation so they have the opportunity to make the move.
5) Someone criticizes you publicly in a way that's unfair.
A) You address it immediately. Directly. In front of whoever's there.
B) You feel it but let it go — not worth the scene.
C) You smile and file it. You'll find the right moment to correct the record.
6) You have a strong opinion in a conversation. Someone pushes back hard.
A) You hold your position. Explain it once more if needed. Then move on.
B) You soften your stance — maybe they have a point, maybe you're missing something.
C) You agree on the surface and keep your opinion to yourself.
7) A project you're leading is going off track. The team isn't performing.
A) You restructure the approach and tell the team directly what changes.
B) You call a meeting to discuss and see what the group comes up with.
C) You start managing tighter — more check-ins, more oversight, more rules.
8) You want something from someone but you're not sure they'll say yes.
A) You ask directly. If no, you move on.
B) You hint at it and see if they offer.
C) You create conditions where saying yes becomes the obvious option for them.
9) You're in a social group and the energy is flat. Nobody's doing anything.
A) You propose something and move toward it.
B) You wait to see if someone else picks it up.
C) You make a comment designed to prompt someone else to lead.
10) Someone you respect tells you that you're wrong about something important.
A) You consider it, decide for yourself, and either change your view or explain why you don't.
B) You defer — they know more than you, probably best to follow their lead.
C) You acknowledge it but internally resist and look for evidence they're wrong.
SCOREBOARD
Count your responses.
A_
B_
C_
Mostly A — DOMINANCE. You move first. You own the room. You say the thing. You don't wait.
Mostly B — SUBMISSION. You wait. You hope. You defer. You let the room decide for you.
Mostly C — CONTROL. You assert — but indirectly. You manage the situation rather than leading it. You move people without declaring your intent. It works until it doesn't. Then it produces resentment — in them and in you.