This morning I awoke to discover that whilst I slumbered peacefully beneath the eiderdown, the Lady of the Manor had quietly departed for breakfast with her friends and, in her wake, left a “gift for no reason” upon my bedside table.
Now, I am not ashamed to admit that I was genuinely touched. A little emotional even. There is something rather lovely about receiving a gift when no occasion demands it. No birthday, no anniversary, no successful completion of a household chore worthy of recognition… simply a gift because she thought of me.
Upon unwrapping it, I discovered a brand new Apple Watch.
Naturally, I immediately abandoned all plans for the morning and spent the next hour synchronising it with my phone, entering my details, adjusting settings, selecting watch faces and generally behaving like a Victorian child who had just been handed a hoola-hoop for Christmas.
When the Lady of the Manor returned home, I greeted her at the door with a veritable exundation of gratitude. Hugs, kisses, effusive thanks… the full performance.
Then, without warning, the infernal device upon my wrist began vibrating and chiming with the urgency of a village church bell announcing a fire.
Somewhat alarmed, I looked down to discover the following message:
“Your heart rate appears elevated whilst you have been inactive.”
Inactive.
INACTIVE.
I was literally embracing my wife with the enthusiasm of a Labrador reunited with its owner after a six-month sea voyage and this tiny electronic snitch had the audacity to classify the entire event as inactivity.
I showed the notification to the Lady of the Manor, expecting outrage on my behalf.
She glanced at it, smiled the smile of a woman who knows considerably more than she is saying, and simply walked away.
At that moment I realised that this was never a gift.
It was surveillance.
I have walked headlong into a trap of such elegance and sophistication that I can only compare myself to some hapless woodland creature lured into a snare by an expert gamekeeper.
I suspect she now receives hourly reports detailing exactly how excited I become whenever she enters a room.
The watch knows.
The Lady of the Manor knows.
And, regrettably, I suspect they are working together. 😡📱⌚️🎩