Joined September 2014
- Tweets 89,902
- Following 1,164
- Followers 59,032
- Likes 166,383
14,148 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
14 Sep 2022
one thing about adulthood i was not prepared for was how many cardboard boxes i'd have to breakdown and throw away all the time.
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Dadman Standing retweeted
May 5
We should have gas-powered windmills by now.
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Jun 13
Sitting in the floor is hazardous to your health in your 40s and beyond.
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Jun 13
I love people watching. Mostly it's me silently judging everyone's choice of outfits and partners.
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Dadman Standing retweeted
would you rather get shot 25 times or hang out with me for a little bit
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Dadman Standing retweeted
Going to urgent care is like paying $40 to have someone else google your symptoms
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Jun 13
Hey I just want to let you all know that in less than 3 days it's Monday again.
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Jun 12
My nightmare Airbnb.
this is exactly what a billionaire supervillain's shower looks like π
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Jun 12
did you know that if you cut out carbs the only thing you get is more depression?
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Jun 12
some idiot drank 10 liters of red bull from a bucket with a toothpick. why are people watching that dumb shit? Anyway it took him 13 hrs.
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Jun 12
Damn GLP got me eating like a toddler. Can't even finish a damn Mexican pizza from Taco Bell.
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Jun 12
it's 100 degrees above the temperature of Satan's taint.
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Jun 12
This just makes me hungry for waffles
Jun 12
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Dadman Standing retweeted
I'm like George Costanza if he had "no aura."
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Dadman Standing retweeted
Jun 12
I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet
I like to eat food
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Dadman Standing retweeted
Jun 12
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
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Jun 12
it's bullshit that the house gets dirty again after you already cleaned it not long ago.
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Jun 12
I know you fckn lyin' too π
Jun 12
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Jun 12
Nothing brings me more joy than waking up and realizing that my phone didn't charge at all
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Dadman Standing retweeted
Jun 12
Going outside to burst into flames so I guess this is goodbye.
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