7 time 5th grade speling champion
Joined March 2009
- Tweets 47,220
- Following 1,457
- Followers 49,931
- Likes 263,456
1,544 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
25 May 2013
"I don't understand moths," I say as I finish off another beer. "why do they gravitate to what kills them?" I stand. "anyone need another?"
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26 Dec 2024
just landed a sweet new gig. im helping dracula buy a house. and before you ask the answer is yes. i can eat as many bugs as i want
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19 Jan 2023
Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink
Bartender: try this, its lemonade and iced tea
Palmer: Mm..its good..I just invented it
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25 Nov 2015
in 2005 me and my college buddies made the turkey carcass into a bong. happy Thanksgiving everybody
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31 Oct 2024
First kid to the door gets the biggest scoop
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30 Nov 2023
YES
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21 Nov 2023
Huh. I could swear I remember South Africa being pro-apartheid. Mandela effect?
21 Nov 2023
BREAKING: South Africaโs parliament votes (248 vs 91) to close the Israeli embassy in South Africa, send the Israeli ambassador home, and suspend diplomatic relations with Israel.
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3 May 2018
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] howโs this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: iโm not gonna bullshit you itโs pretty good
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6 Sep 2016
Florida c'mon man
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1 Jan 2022
Me: if you could go back in time would you kill Hitler as a baby
inventor of time travel, drunk: Iโd kill Betty White right before she turned 100
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2 Oct 2021
(Leatherface bursts onto the screen wielding a chainsaw and wearing a mask made out of someone else's face)
Me to the kid i'm babysitting: He represents Grief
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4 Mar 2015
There is a button on my microwave that says "super clown" and I do not ever push that button
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6 Mar 2021
me making $8/hr at a drive thru in 2011: god, this fucking sucks. i hope things are better 10 years from now.
god: i can make one of the senators bisexual i guess
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added the dancing robot footage over Gil Scott-Heron's "Whitey On The Moon" just to see how it'd sync up
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12 Dec 2020
can't wait to die, and also in this game
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