@endlessjoe profile picture
Milton Custard @endlessjoe

Life is an endless confrontation with weasels, which will cost you plenty

Joined December 2007
  • Tweets 11,116
  • Following 392
  • Followers 1,576
744 Photos and videos
Running out of gas in the drive thru at Popeyes
1
61
I don’t like wearing a hat & sunglasses at the same time because it makes me feel like I’m in disguise. All of a sudden, I’m one of the little Rascals pretending to be a grown-up so I can sneak into the fair.
1
82
About to take a nap at my house & see a text from my wife that’s like “btw, the plumbing is on fire. Will explain later”
1
107
You’re either listening to Steely Dan in the shower WITH me or you’re listening to Steely Dan in the shower AGAINST me. There is no in between
2
78
Was having thoughts of self-harm, but “Reelin’ in the Years” by Steely Dan was stuck in my head at the same time so they were all kinda quirky and fun
1
95
Milton Custard retweeted
Mike Abrusci@mikeabrusci
May 27
If I bought this on accident I would react in a way that would make the local news
Skores
@Skores9q
May 25
Coca-Cola designed a bottle you can't open alone. Encouraging you to meet someone new.
0:22
413
11,538
166,847
5,439,631
Milton Custard retweeted
Skurt Vonnegut@ThisLocalHater
May 20
The neighborhood teens are calling me unc just because I'm wearing a wooden barrel with suspenders
3
189
1,757
22,499
Yes, I’m a deeply haunted man bleeding from mysterious wounds. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t like to party
1
71
Anyone displaying talent greater than mine in any way is AI
66
Milton Custard retweeted
Will Sennett@Senn_Spud
May 4
(after getting my ass kicked) there is nothing more pathetic than kicking someones ass
28
1,217
20,628
595,601
Milton Custard retweeted
josh (oldfriend99)@oldfriend99
Apr 29
Wasting your entire life can feel daunting. Just focus on wasting one hour at a time and you'll get there
11
1,648
15,983
217,335
I read The Iliad on the toilet in one sitting
1
3
191
Everything I have ever done in my life is cringe
2
129
Milton Custard retweeted
draga 🇭🇳@sidewinderloops
Apr 14
found a gem in my yt feed today
0:47
363
8,876
80,762
2,348,595
Milton Custard retweeted
barrel rolls@barrel_rolls
Apr 12
don’t be like that your honor
75
7,875
55,137
791,871
It’s funny having a Cajun wife and hearing her call our son “bruh”
5
155
Meteorologists should give a three day forecast on how long The Horrors will persist
3
133
Milton Custard retweeted
kelly@BoyYeetsWorld
Apr 4
I would’ve given airbud CTE before I let him score on me
78
3,893
42,975
1,259,458
Wanna come over to my place and peruse my collection of orbs?
3
97
I don’t think the world would be this shitty if Steve Irwin was still alive
2
82
Load more