Eccentric but effective father. Imperfect but okay enough husband. Pure shithead. Irreverent American. These replies are rated E for Egregious.
Joined September 2024
- Tweets 19,367
- Following 830
- Followers 1,200
- Likes 54,048
3,332 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
Anyone else have a hard time getting their kids to put their Log™️ away after playing with it?
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If I was in the fbi I’d make shit up all the time and tell people I solved it.
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Jun 13
If I was the world’s first trillionaire I’d probably find someone with a really bizarre reddish profile pic of a meat man with really wide open eyes and give him a few thousand bucks or something, but that’s why I’ll never be the world’s first trillionaire.
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Jun 13
I need the absolute most ridiculously funny things laid before me. Please.
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May 24
My sweet beautiful wife passed away in her sleep last night. She was too young for this. My daughter is too young for this.
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May 23
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May 23
I’m unable to not watch this when it crosses my timeline and it wrecks about an hour of my day each time. Fly high Sky King. x.com/VrilmaxxedSam/status/2…
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May 23
With a little hard work and dedication, you can be exactly like Hunter Biden.
May 23
Almost seven years clean and sober.
Not a victory lap. Just a fact.
To anyone in the fight right now: it gets quieter. Not easier. Quieter. In the quiet, you find out who you actually are.
That’s the part they can’t take from you.
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May 23
What sorta asshole doesn’t go to their son’s wedding amiright
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May 22
Introduce yourself with 10 bands you’ve seen live:
1. Kiss
2. Jimmy Buffett
3. The Violent Femmes
4. Nine Inch Nails
5. Ted Nugent
6. Booker T (Green Onions)
7. Skid Row
8. Children of Bodom
9. Between the Buried and Me
10. Black Sabbath
I’m younger than this list suggests
Introduce yourself with 10 bands you've seen live:
1. Metallica
2. Billy Joel
3. AC/DC
4. Taylor swift
5. Hannah Montana
6. One direction
7. Def Leppard
8. Phil Collins
9. Motley Crue
10. Jimmy Buffett
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May 22
This is important to share.
May 21
Mr. President, Daylight Saving Time forces Americans to wake an hour earlier than Standard Time and does not create more daylight. Permanent Daylight Saving Time would make winter mornings dangerously dark, with some sunrises occurring as late as 9am. For the sake of public health, safety, and better sleep, please restore permanent Standard Time!
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May 21
I don’t know what a kewpie is, but all you sombitchin $20 lunch guys need to reassess your options.
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May 21
Bitch who the hell is we 😭
May 21
BREAKING: Trump says: We will likely have to pay back $149 billion in tariffs
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May 20
RIP Barney Frank, you inspired one of the funniest tweets DJT ever twatten.
21 Dec 2011
Barney Frank looked disgusting--nipples protruding--in his blue shirt before Congress. Very very disrespectful.
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May 20
San Diego Islamic Center teen shooters’ manifesto:
‘IT’S THE JEWS’
‘IT’S THE JEWS’
‘IT’S THE JEWS’
‘IT’S THE JEWS’
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May 20
Do you pretend his penis is a cannoli or something or do you just full-on house that shit with clarity?
May 19
This is @realDonaldTrump’s Republican Party. The rest of us get the privilege of living in it.
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May 19
Everyone is happy that Israel bought another seat? I don’t get it.
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May 19
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May 19
Y’all ever think that guy from Blues Traveler was fat in middle school and got his first harmonica and told all his friends he was going to get famous with it and they just made fun of him? I bet they’re all dead now and look at him.
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May 18
You can watch most videos at 1.5x and understand what’s happening. You don’t have to wait for people to breathe and think anymore. It’s a gift.
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