LOS ANGELES, CA — In a historic first that has left mathematicians across the nation clutching their abacuses and sobbing softly, the University of Southern California has definitively proven that math is racist by canceling an entire gubernatorial debate because the candidates who met the objective polling-and-fundraising criteria all happened to be the wrong shade of pale. Reported by Gabe Utsecks, TDS News USC administrators explained that while the six qualified candidates — all of them mysteriously white — had technically satisfied the evil, white-supremacist requirements of “numbers” and “data,” allowing such an exclusionary event to proceed would have been “literally violence.” “Polls and fundraising totals are tools of the patriarchy,” said a visibly shaken university spokesperson. “From now on, debate invitations will be determined by a far more equitable metric: lived experience, melanin content, and how loudly you can scream ‘systemic!’ on a livestream.” The four excluded candidates of color, who had failed to poll or raise enough money to qualify, immediately held a press conference to celebrate the victory of equity over math. “This is what progress looks like,” said one, wiping away a single tear of triumph. “In the most diverse state in America, we simply cannot tolerate a debate stage that doesn’t look like a Benetton ad from 1994.” At press time, USC announced plans for a replacement “Feelings Forum” in which candidates will compete by sharing their trauma, ranking their oppression points on a custom 1-to-10 “equity scale,” and performing a mandatory land acknowledgment before every answer. Early polling shows the new format is already polling at 100% with people who don’t understand basic arithmetic. #MathIsRacist #USCGoesWoke #EquityOverArithmetic #CancelTheDebate #WokeUniversity #IdentityPolitics #GabeUtsecksReports #TDSNews #CaliforniaClownShow #WokeIsADisease

I will not be watching! No need for another debate. Voting has already begun. #CancelTheDebate

If this is true @realDonaldTrump #CancelTheDebate #CancelTheDebate #CancelTheDebate #CancelTheDebate

@realDonaldTrump needs to cancel the upcoming debate. It is clear the Debate Commission is in the tank for Biden. Don’t do it Trump!! Just don’t do it. #CancelTheDebate

Much prefer another Trump rally, with jumbotron featuring Biden-Harris lies, than watch a biased debate. #CancelTheDebate What say you?

Imagine for a second that we have a “president” so childish that they have to mute his mic and give him permission to speak like he’s in elementary school .... oh wait @realDonaldTrump #CancelTheDebate #Debates2020 @JoeBiden — you have to go but don’t share the same air as him.

Do it @POTUS ! #CancelTheDebate ! Do a one hour information report from the Oval Office. America deserves it.

#cancelthedebate #trumprally

#cancelthedebate let’s get this trending!

Cancel cultural wants a mute button for debate. #CancelTheDebate

#CancelTheDebate unless Trump publicly apologizes to Ms. Welker and to the presidential debate commission!

I so agree! We don’t want to hear a word from him. #CancelTheDebate

#cancelthedebate no need for anymore debates. #trump might try to give u #COVID19 .

Absurd. Nothing on foreign policy. Nothing on the economy. Nothing on trade or immigration. But we are going to discuss climate change once again. Another rigged debate for Biden! #cancelthedebate