I've been seeing more and more references to the "Longhouse" recently. Let's take a moment to explore the interesting origin of that term as it is used today. It is no coincidence that the men most targeted for "Longhousing" are the ones who are most virile and active, the "Energy Drink Extremists" if you will.
It all started with a woman named Ruth Bader Langschnauze. You might recognize her first and middle name, yes, the Supreme Court Justice was named after this monster. Her last name, "Langschnauze" (Long Snout/Longnose) is actually the origin of the term "Longhouse" because, due to her notable girth, people took to calling her "Longhouse." Her family came to the US in the early 1900s as part of the radical Marxist waves of that era, and quickly embedded themselves in media and influence networks. She used her family's wealth and connections to push her cultural and political agendas, namely, the spiritual castration of the American man.
She saw the American man as the embodiment of everything she hated, he was too energetic, too dynamic, too untamed, essentially just too free. A cornerstone of her strategy was to launch a full-scale unholy war against the legendary "White Monster" elixir that John Smith had so bravely acquired for the betterment of all. Her campaign was brutally effective, pushing many young women to choose becoming old-maids over marrying "Energy Drink Extremists." So, as it happened, energy drinks fell out of favor for nearly a century. The "Longhousing" of several generations began, and when the "White Monster" finally returned, it had been even further diluted by the usual suspects.
History Lesson FOLKS!!! What THEY don't want you to know about John Smith, the legendary Captain who took charge of the Jamestown settlement and led it to success. We've heard about his cartography, his dealings with the Indians, and even how he defeated three Mohammedans in single combat to earn his legendary coat of arms that includes three severed heads.
What you have NOT heard is what the Virginia Company was really up to in Jamestown, or what came of it. These people went to great lengths just to acquire spices, which was much preferable to importing the sorts of people who might use those spices, but in Jamestown they were after something much more valuable.
There had been talk of a Fountain of Youth in the New World, but few believed it. Few...but John Smith was among them. He volunteered for this extremely dangerous mission to the Jamestown settlement, in search of the magical elixir.
Upon encountering the Powhatan Indians, he was struck by their youthful energy. While most savage people he had dealt with were quite indolent and lazy, he found the Powhatan to be tenacious and quite aggressive....until about noon-day, and then they would collapse and be almost worthless. He wondered if perhaps he wasn't seeing a result of the fountain of youth, but maybe they didn't know how to properly refine it.
He fought them tooth and nail, earning the title "Waba Wendigo," which was translated to "White Monster," and was finally successful in finding the source of their energy. He worked relentlessly to perfect the formula so he wouldn’t suffer their crash, then branded it White Monster in his own honor.
Unfortunately, the bankers who held undue influence with the Virginia Company buried the truth, and all we are left with now is a shadow of the magical drink, but with no idea what it took for the brave John "White Monster" Smith to acquire it for us.
That's why I am a proud Energy Drink Extremist.
It is in our blood, and it comes from our land.
Raise one in memory of the original White Monster.