Joined August 2017
- Tweets 23,400
- Following 2,325
- Followers 4,149
- Likes 20,541
774 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
23 Sep 2021
Instead of “sorry for the delay,” write “thank you for your patience.” In lieu of “apologies for the oversight,” write “if you’re so perfect why don’t you fucken do it.”
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Patches retweeted
6 Dec 2017
[restaurant in Mexico]
Wife: What’s good here?
Me: Bueno.
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Jan 6
STOP using THESE FIVE WORDS in your RESUMÉ: fuck, shit, piss, ass, balls
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28 May 2020
ME: shouldn't i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i'll call you back
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12 Oct 2017
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
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30 Dec 2024
I’m always surprised that this Jimmy Carter anecdote gets overlooked.
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26 Dec 2024
not the sanctity of our neon-lined megachurch auditorium
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20 Dec 2024
A Dominican baseball player
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19 Dec 2024
These guys were both at Jan 6
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10 Dec 2024
This is not a healthy society this is the United States of America
9 Dec 2024
Healthy societies don't lionize vigilante killers.
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10 Dec 2024
officer frye patrolling the mcdonalds. was deputy mcnugget there
Tyler Frye, the police officer who identified Luigi Mangione, talks about the arrest at a press conference:
“It feels good to get a guy like that off the street, especially starting my career this way, it feels great.”
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10 Dec 2024
Hitting the last three words in the headline
10 Dec 2024
The recent killing of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson in Manhattan has brought renewed attention to the escalating costs of protecting top executives. trib.al/4GUNGGX
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30 Nov 2024
alright party’s over
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22 Nov 2024
Go to the 00:46 mark
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20 Nov 2024
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
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21 Nov 2024
It's always about bathrooms.
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20 Nov 2024
BREAKING: The US vetoed a UNSC resolution for a permanent ceasefire in Gaza, which received 14 votes in favour and one against.
🔴 LIVE updates: aje.io/lvp7pu
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