Day 3 of no caffeine and I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

Everyone attending my funeral will be given one of these.

As a Gen Xer, how many times have you started typing a reply to a post, gotten halfway through, and then realized you just don’t care enough to finish it?

Customer: "I also want a pound of Swiss cheese, but I don't want it sliced." Me: "So you'd just like a one-pound block of cheese?" Customer: "Exactly. Can you do that?" Me: "I sure can." (I take the cheese over to the sandwich station to get a large knife, measure approximately where I think one pound would be, and cut off a block. I put it on the scale, and much to my satisfaction, the weight of the block I cut is 1.005 pounds.) Me: "Well hey, that was pretty good!" (The customer looks at the scales.) Customer: "Oh, my God! How did you do that?!" Me: "Lots of practice?" Customer: "No, no, that wouldn't do it. You must have some kind of supernatural cheese power!" Me: "Well, I was born on a dying cheese planet, and sent to Earth in a cheese rocket by my parents. Exposure to Earth's yellow sun gives me cheese powers." Customer: "Whoa. Honey, come here! You've got to see this!" (The customer's wife comes over and listens to the story.) Customer's Wife: "Holy s***. Can you do that again?" (I look over at my manager, who rolls her eyes and gives me a 'go ahead' wave. I cut another block off the Swiss cheese and weigh it. It comes up to 0.995 pounds.) Customer's Wife: "Jesus Christ!" (She grabs the arm of another passing customer.) Customer's Wife: "You've got to see this! This guy is Cheese Man!" Me: "Ma'am, please don't give away my secret identity. The cheese villains of the world would hunt me down."

Give this man an interview already definitely following suit 😂😂😂🤌

Wife: “Why are you suddenly asking for a DNA test after 9 years?” Husband: “Because people keep saying our daughter doesn’t look like me.” Wife: “So strangers get in your ear and suddenly I’m a cheater?” Husband: “I just want certainty.” She agreed to the test immediately. Didn’t cry. Didn’t argue. Didn’t beg him to trust her. A few weeks later the results came back: 99.99% probability he was the father. He walked into the kitchen holding the envelope like he’d won something. Husband: “See? Now this whole thing can finally be over.” But his wife just nodded slowly and said, “You’re right. It is over.” He laughed at first because he genuinely thought she was joking. Then she handed him her wedding ring. Wife: “You accused me so easily that I realized something awful.” Husband: “What?” Wife: “You never actually trusted me. You just trusted the lack of proof.”