new liver same fucking eagles
Joined August 2015
- Tweets 7,304
- Following 579
- Followers 515
- Likes 176,809
944 Photos and videos
vampire mommy retweeted
Do not give me your little thank you wave for simply obeying the rules of the road. If we had met under circumstances any less binding I would have savaged your tender throat
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There's a secret life hack where you get home from work and prep dinner, tend to your garden, do 25 minutes of yoga, shower, put on an oversized tshirt, make a Moscow mule, and play Outer Worlds on your Xbox...and brother they're calling it happiness
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vampire mommy retweeted
10h
it’s time for Breakfast Affogato Summer
17h
metabolically speaking, it’s healthier to wake up and eat 500 calories of real ice cream rather than fasting on black coffee until noon.
Community note
There is no clinical evidence to support these claims, and significant research showing the inverse is true.
pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38335858/
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A crow was hanging out near me when I was grilling chicken so I shared a piece with him. My plan is finally coming to fruition. Do NOT cross me in the coming months
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vampire mommy retweeted
Jun 15
One day you turn 29 and the top drawer of your nightstand contains a 140 count tums container, a knife, vibrators, and a gabapentin prescription
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My mother and her woke 60 year old suburban wine mom friends have been getting into the nastiest fights on facebook to defend homosexuality at large
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vampire mommy retweeted
Jun 12
Maybe she's got writer's block
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vampire mommy retweeted
Jun 12
to love me is to suffer me i believe that
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vampire mommy retweeted
Jun 10
this is so serious for me and other three people
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Driving to the liquor store in the middle of a torrential downpour. This must have been what Blackbeard felt like on the open seas. Chills
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vampire mommy retweeted
Jun 10
realizing something is out of my control
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vampire mommy retweeted
you can't make me cum in any way that matters
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vampire mommy retweeted
11 Oct 2022
I am so happy they caught Halloweentown on camera. Not sure I'd believe it otherwise
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vampire mommy retweeted
There are lovers you forget and sandwiches that haunt you for the rest of your life.
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vampire mommy retweeted
Jun 9
If they put me on love island I’d start eating people
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vampire mommy retweeted
unfortunately part of who i am is that sometimes i need to go thru entire weeks of such severe depression that it’s an affront to god and the majesty of his creation
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vampire mommy retweeted
Jun 9
the phrase "lipstick on a pig" has always inspired a deep sadness in me. I think of the pig, looking forward to her big night out, and I bring myself to the verge of tears.
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They're trying to warn him that I made an appointment to have him neutered in four weeks (he ignores them at his own peril)
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