The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don't count.

Silent gen: we ate dirt sandwiches during the great depression Boomers: my dad died in ww2 and I got drafted to fight in Vietnam Gen X: leaded fuel made us psychotic and we started smoking at 9 years old Millenials: my parents are divorced and im bartender with a PhD Gen Z:

Does anyone remember having to defrag their computer? 😆

One time I shook this guy's hand and felt his wet bandaid. So yes, I've been to hell.

I have amazing news. If you move to a fourth city, it’ll make a quadrilateral

Released in 1975, Rikki-Tikki-Tavi was an animated television special directed by legendary animator Chuck Jones and based on the classic story by Rudyard Kipling. The story follows a brave mongoose who takes on two deadly cobras to protect the family that rescued him. For a generation of kids, it was one of those rare animated films that felt genuinely intense. The stakes were real, the villains were terrifying, and you couldn't help but root for Rikki-Tikki every step of the way. More than 50 years later, it's still remembered as one of the finest animated adaptations ever put on television. Did you watch Rikki-Tikki-Tavi growing up?

I always thought I’d be the first one in the family to get a professional hip replacement.

Ok. Hear me out… A Breaking Bad reboot starring these two

first day on twitter without nepo baby status

hey guys does anyone know any tips for getting across these things

Lorenzo - Nebraska June 7/26 🎥Storm Chaser Brett Wright

LAWD JESUS! God showing Out! @CUBuffsFootball

UK soccer people on Twitter like "Americans just don't get it, oi? All their soulless corporate stadiums with indoor plumbing will never have the aura of 8,000 packing the terraces of Old Shittingdon for a nil-nil match, slipping on each other's vomit and singing Georgie Girl"

Hercules and Nessus, by Giambologna, 1599

Narrator: You funked with her heart.

you know what i could really go for right now, a trash TNF game. give me Jets Cardinals. the final is 6-3 and 90 yards of total offense.

is it minimalism or depression chic?

0 F = extremely cold 100 F = extremely hot 0 C = kinda chilly 100 C = you're dead Conclusion: centigrade is a scale created by complete morons x.com/Daccord86169070/status…

At what point do we call a volcano extinct for sure? I don’t want to be the one who says 10,000 years, but then things go kablooey at 10,001.

One-word states with two-word capitals where neither word in the capital name has the same length as the state name

The snake stares at my closet, “Hey man, why u own so many onesies? You’re fucking 40!” I try to explain they’re socks but the other snakes are laughing too hard to hear. I wake up in a cold sweat. I shake my wife awake. “I need our label mak—” She cuts me off, “It won’t help. Snakes can’t read.”