When life gives you lemons, just say fuck the lemons and bail
Joined December 2012
- Tweets 4,466
- Following 2,021
- Followers 2,863
- Likes 1,523
86 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
28 Sep 2015
So many people cry when they chop an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond
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28 Mar 2023
A bag of peanut M & Ms can be dinner if you believe.
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8 Apr 2023
the real miracle of Easter is Jesus didn't hit the snooze alarm a few more times.
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3 Mar 2018
When slicing cheese, for every slice you slice, you must eat a slice. This is the only method. All other methods are wrong.
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9 Apr 2023
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
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16 May 2021
Saw a bird with a worm at 3:00 in the afternoon, which proves that it’s okay for birds to sleep in.
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13 Apr 2023
*About to sign the mortgage document for my first home*
Giant avocado in the corner of the room: "But we're so good together..."
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13 Apr 2023
Returning to Twitter after 7 years away feels like meeting up with your high school friendship group and discovering they all accidentally joined a pyramid scheme
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7 Nov 2020
Now it's all over I can tell you that it was me who ate the bats.
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8 Nov 2020
The perfect Venn diagram does exist
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22 Sep 2020
Spitting Image have released an image of their Michael Gove puppet.
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5 Feb 2019
waiter: i'm sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
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20 Aug 2020
bitches be like “i’m gonna move to a cabin in the woods and live off the land” babe your succulent is dying
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18 Aug 2020
I just want someone to love me as much as middle England loves palm trees
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