If anyone was curious about my current eating habits, all I can tell you is that I missed out on lunch today because the liquor store was sold out of peanut butter & crackers.

When your estimated time of arrival on Google Maps changes from 11:27 to 11:26

If you’re bored at work today just create a resignation letter for someone you dislike and leave it in the printer.

Du…..Du hast….Du hast mich

Doom, but with Jesus

Search is full of ads and wrong answers. Every other email is an ad. Prime Video charges you and shows ads. Paramount? Ads. Peacock? YouTube? Hulu? Ads followed by more ads. Netflix full of ads. Meta and X, every other thing is an ad. Pinterest is nothing but ads. AI is in everything. AI finishes sentences incorrectly and won’t stop. AI reads your email and search history to target you with more ads. Every time you open an app or visit a site there’s an update making it worse. In a hurry? First, click here to agree to terms you don’t have time to read and must accept. You need an account to do that. Change your temporary password. Enter your 2FA code. Check your email and enter that code. Now use a passkey. Your password is too simple to remember. Change it. No, not like that. Now log on. Enter your 2FA code. Check your email for a code… Welcome back! We’ve updated our terms of service and privacy policy (you have none). Subscribe to the site. Subscribe to Netflix. Subscribe to toilet paper. Subscribe to these groceries. Pay a membership fee for the right to subscribe then tip your driver who delivers the subscriptions your membership lets you subscribe to. Time to work? We’ve got to update your laptop and will slow down everything you do until you agree to update. But first, click here to agree. Update installed — your laptop’s broken now. It doesn’t matter, since your boss just replaced you with AI. Go to your phone to complain on social media. Wait, your phone needs an update so we can add more AI. Click here. Oh sorry, your phone can’t handle this update. Now it’s useless. Go get the newest phone. Here’s a text from a friend, an email, a voice mail they left three days ago but you didn’t see until now because of sync problems with the cloud. It’s their GoFundMe. Their MLM. Their Patreon. Never mind, you didn’t respond to their text within 9 minutes and now you’re no longer friends. They blocked you. Make new friends. Download this app to find people in your area. In your neighborhood. On your street. Two doors down from you. Do you know this person yet, we think you’d get along. You need an account to use this app. That username is taken. Enter a password. Not that one, you used it on another site. You need to be connected to WiFi to download the app. Allow the app to connect to other devices on your network. Allow the app to access your contacts, know your precise location, store your credit card details. Oops, sorry, we got hacked now all that info is available on the web. There’s a class action suit. You can join. It’ll take a decade to get your $3.73 share of the ten billion settlement. We’ll send it via PayPal or deposit it to your bank, just tell us those details. Oh no, another hack. That info is circulating now, too. Here’s a spam call, a spam email, a spam text. Why are you angry? Why are you talking about getting rid of your phone? Why don’t you like AI, it lets us make all of this easier? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? This is progress. You’ll be left behind. Do you want to be left behind? Do you???

Midwesterners toxic trait is that they think they need to drink outside just because it’s sunny and 75°

Cyclists Shocked, Dismayed To Learn Vehicles Also Allowed To Use Roads buff.ly/5UEaADQ

this looks like a composite image of everyone I ever sold Mountain Dew to when I worked at a gas station

“I used to think it was cool to get away with not sleeping. That’s the dumbest sh*t I’ve ever heard. When your job is to deal with people, you need to establish health habits to sustain [yourself] when there’s a lot of external stressors.” - Sean McVay

i asked the produce guy if i could try a grape and he said he wouldn’t care if i lit the store on fire with him in it

the craziest thing to me is that gonorrhea would’ve been the absolute perfect brand name for diarrhea medication.

Go Canes. #TheU nextplaytees.com/product/dia…

Well, a big seller this holiday season is Michael Bolton's Christmas album, "This is the Time." Happy birthday, Jesus. Hope you like crap!

USPS tracking: Step 1: we don't think it exists Step 2: delivered

Charles Shay, a decorated Native American veteran who was a 19-year-old U.S. Army medic when he landed on Omaha Beach on D-Day and helped save lives, died on Wednesday. He was 101. Read more: abcnews.link/nCreKMB

When a team I’ve never seen in the brewery before beats us at trivia.

Every sentence of this is even better than the last.