Father of 9 at last count. Fan of The Office and Oxford commas. Seen in @HuffPostParents @Cheezburger @TODAYshow @BuzzFeed @BoredPanda and more. My tweets ⬇️
Joined December 2021
- Tweets 11,334
- Following 1,692
- Followers 3,285
- Likes 12,645
1,019 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
5 Oct 2022
I bought some frozen corn at the store and the nice old lady at the checkout told me all about her family’s cream corn recipe and how I had to try it and I didn’t have the heart to tell her I just had a vasectomy and the corn was going on my balls.
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11 Oct 2025
Every marriage has one person who wants to arrive at the airport 2 hours early & the other wants to arrive when they’re closing the gate.
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9 Oct 2025
Me (in a meeting): …no stigma…
My tween, from across the street: DID YOU JUST SAY NO SIGMA
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8 Oct 2025
Unmuting myself at the end of a meeting just to say "nothing on my end"
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9 Oct 2025
I’ll take early retirement for $500, Alex.
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9 Oct 2025
my gawd we still have 2 more working days left.
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9 Oct 2025
I already tripped over my own feet twice this morning and it’s not even 8am
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9 Oct 2025
Can’t be held responsible for the things I say or do when I’m hungry.
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8 Oct 2025
"reply to all" was the worst invention to come with email.
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8 Oct 2025
Okay who put this water in my wine glass, reveal yourselves reverse Jesus.
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8 Oct 2025
My kid has been telling me about his video game for so long, I think it officially counts as a podcast
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9 Oct 2025
my favorite hobby is going to the grocery store starving and doing my best not to buy everything I see.
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7 Oct 2025
saying “who is it?” when the doctor knocks on the exam room door
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9 Oct 2025
A new house isn’t truly a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
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9 Oct 2025
Everything went downhill when we stopped loading planes from the back to the front.
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8 Oct 2025
I asked my 16 yo if he ate lunch earlier today. He said "yeah I had a big cinnamon roll". So single parenting is going well.
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8 Oct 2025
I got 10 out of 10 for effort at the hygenist earlier. Having chocolate non-stop to celebrate.
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9 Oct 2025
Me: I’m terrified of cheese.
Therapist: K, so?
Me: *screams*
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8 Oct 2025
My husband thinks I’m afraid to drive anywhere but it’s the lack of parking I’m really afraid of.
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9 Oct 2025
Man these are nice scissors
-me, about to get in trouble for opening a pack of bacon with my wife’s scissors.
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