The church, while being a spiritual family, is not meant to replace the natural family.
They overlap. They interact. But they do not eclipse each other.
1 Timothy 5:1-2 teaches us that relationships in the church are family-like. However, 1 Timothy 5:8 teaches us that we have specific responsibilities to our own family.
If you collapse the natural family into the spiritual family (the church), you’ll end up with things like “over-shepherding” by overly paternalistic pastors.
If you collapse the spiritual family (the church) into the natural family, you’ll get things like hyper-patriarchal fathers who administer the sacraments to their own family members outside the congregational gathering.
Biological fathers are pastor-like in their familial roles, but they aren’t truly the pastors of their families unless they’ve been ordained to that office.
Pastors (i.e., spiritual fathers) are father-like in their ecclesiastical relationships, but they aren’t truly the fathers of their church members unless they are their biological or adoptive fathers.
Scripture maintains a tension between the spiritual and natural families, and so must we.
When you erase the boundaries between the natural and spiritual families, trouble arises. On one hand, this can lead to authoritarian, cult-like churches. People without a family desperately want to belong, and they are easily manipulated. But the spiritual family cannot, by its very nature, fully replace the natural family.
I frequently hear young men complain about the lack of pastors who are mentors in the church. I always ask, “What does mentorship look like to you?” They often describe something like meeting every week for an hour with an older man to work through their life issues. A pastor can do this from time to time or for a season, but what they are really seeking is a dad, not a mentor.
Pastors can’t be your dad. They can be father-like, but not your dad, because there is no substitute for the natural family.
This is a difficult truth for many of us to accept, because broken families are all we have ever known. It’s so hard that, instead of facing the reality of what we’ve lost, we try to normalize the unnatural.
Instead, we must recover biblical households, strong families, and churches that equip us to start and lead our own families.