Former Twitter “funny” dad
Joined December 2021
- Tweets 19,061
- Following 1,961
- Followers 9,364
- Likes 59,858
3,391 Photos and videos
Pinned Tweet
21 Feb 2024
My daughter didn’t believe I could do a push up, so I dropped and knocked out 10 for her.
Doctor: And that’s the reason you’re here today?
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Raising teens is fun if you want someone to think you’re the dumbest human alive while simultaneously needing your help to do anything
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the best part about having teenagers is you can leave the house in the morning and come back at lunch time and no one knows you even left the house.
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Jan 15
I have never asked for prayers on X but that changes today. I have a meeting today at the bank and if all goes well, I will soon be debt free.
I’m so damn excited I can barely put on my ski mask.
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Jan 15
i love trader joe’s employees. i bought some toilet paper and the cashier was like “i love this stuff”
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Before cell phones if you were bored in public you had to flip a nickel in the air over and over
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13 Oct 2025
Social media needs to crash for a year so everybody can snap back into reality.
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20 Jun 2025
I now understand why my dad used to wake up at 4AM and just sit at the kitchen table for an hour
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18 Jun 2025
Got a new sponge today and was really excited because it was so scrubby and god being an adult is depressing
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16 Jun 2025
The song of the summer is the "Nothing is everything" jingle from the Skyrizi Crohn’s disease pharmaceutical commercial
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4 Jun 2025
Remember when the schtick of streaming services was that you didn’t get commercials? What a bait and switch that was.
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2 Jun 2025
I see a lot of people out walking or working out in a weighted vest. Is the weight of the world not enough for you?
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1 Jun 2025
[guy naming weeds]
this one looks like a lion, but dandier
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31 May 2025
i lied there’s no sex but there is a spider situation i need you to take care of
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18 May 2025
It was weird going to college before smartphones. One time while out at a bar none of us could remember the name of Fleetwood Mac’s drummer so I called my dad at 2am.
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8 May 2025
“American Pope” sounds like the name of an Amazon prime original series you ignore
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