I keep coming back to this post. Inconvenient, difficult, unwell children saved my life. I remember the day I met each of my children. The intention of this post isn’t cruelty. I have made choices in my life that would bring me to my knees with grief if I didn’t know we have such a thing as redemption. Just hear me out. I’m not casting a stone.
My youngest was having a baby meltdown. She was in severe distress. I remember finding a chair and just letting her wail on my chest. Inconsolable. So I sat with her in her inconsolable moment. There for damn sure wasn’t fixing it. At least not then. I will spare the details for her privacy, but killing her in the womb would have felt merciful to the people who imagine death for unborn children could be a mercy.
So she wailed. I rocked. I explained the situation to her. So listen this is a bullshit situation we find ourselves in. You’re in foster care. This is confusing. I don’t smell right to you. My heartbeat is unfamiliar. My voice is unrecognizable. You also feel like dog shit. Like proper bad. I’ve got you. I’m going to just be right here. So she lived. We lived. We navigated that particular stormy sea as we have all the others.
My son was so sick when he came to me I had to put him in a warm bath to remove the clothes adhered to his wounds. This isn’t hyperbole. He wasn’t speaking. Hell I wouldn’t have talked to people anymore either. I’m like boo I would keep my mouth shut too. You don’t know me I might be plum crazy. Let’s go to Denny’s and get waffles and think about this relationship.
There are four more. All different in their own ways. My reactively attached kid. My kid we sent to rehab. Listen none of it is a nicely wrapped package like a hallmark movie. I didn’t snap my fingers and things were just cool. Hell things still aren’t cool. My kids have court dates. They make messy decisions. So do I. We fight. Sometimes we have to repeat classes because we can’t get our shit together and math is hard.
But see the promise isn’t easy. You get the road to travel. It’s proper hard. But my blessings come with actually participating. In showing up. I’ll go to court with you, babe. Want to get coffee on the way I’m thirsty. I mean maybe he had it coming.
Our children are not going to be perfect regardless of their genetics. Your sweet angel will meet the wrong man and develop a pill problem. Your healthy child will get a rare disease and need around the clock care.
All we can do is show up. Allow each unique human life to unfold. Participate in the absolute wonder of it all.
If you should so happen to try again, and that child has Down syndrome, consider this an opportunity for grace. This season will be hard. Your critics will inform you of their feelings. Reflect. Allow some to love you and allow others to speak truth to you. It will be a lifelong grief. But that’s the road you’re now on.
Be well.
This week, my wife and I made the very difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy due to Trisomy 21.
The choice was not made lightly. We really appreciate all of the personal stories that you guys shared with us, especially the unconditional support we received from fans with no matter what we decided.
I know some of you may be very disappointed to hear this news. We are devastated. This has been extremely traumatic for both of us, especially Ashley.
She underwent the procedure earlier this week and is on the mend. Thankfully, everything went smoothly, but emotionally we are drained.
Trisomy 21, also known as Down Syndrome, is caused by an extra chromosome. It is caused by an error in cell division, like a glitch. The odds of a baby having it is 1 in 1000.
When I first confronted this news, I was shocked but optimistic. If they’re a little slow intellectually, then we’ll make it work. I signed on to be a parent, come what may…but I just didn’t fully understand what Down Syndrome entailed.
Once we made it public, it became clear that MOST people don’t know what Down Syndrome entails (and no, it’s not the same as Autism):
50% of babies with DS have heart defects. 75% will have hearing challenges. Over 50% will have vision problems. Impaired immune function, developmental disabilities, learning disabilities, delayed physical development, poor muscle tone, structural issues with face, decreased lifespan, etc…Sadly, the list is long, feel free to look it up…Down Syndome isn’t a “blessing”, it is objectively shitty from a health perspective.
I didn’t realize just how rough it is for the child, let alone the family…more often than not, they would be fully dependent on others for the rest of their life.
The miscarriage risk is also close to 50%, which made matters worse…they may never see the light of day and it puts Ashley further at risk.
We spoke with doctors, friends, family and genetic counselors and learned that up to 90% of women terminate their pregnancy after learning the baby has Trisomy 21.
This was WAY higher than I expected, I thought it would be lower given that I hear so many say they kept or would keep the baby. I believe that’s because most terminations happen privately, it feels shameful. A lot of judgment being cast.
You never think you’d be in this type of situation until it happens to you and then things change.
To all of my fans who have weighed in on this topic who have Autism, Down Syndrome or any other conditions…we appreciate you. You matter a lot and we’re glad you’re here. I commend you and your families for having the strength and courage to push forward.
As for us, we made a difficult decision that we believe in the long-run will be beneficial for our family. Thankfully, we had a choice.
It will take a little time to move on, but we are excited to try again in the future and hopefully have a better outcome.
Love you guys & thank you for understanding. ❤️