Dios: solo hay una regla... Eva:

I used to date this girl who was very into the idea of being the best girlfriend ever and one of the ways she set out to accomplish this was by regularly waking me up by giving me head. I’d often regain consciousness to the sensation of her initiating the act, which was great, but –– and I know this might surprise you –– after a while it got old. Many mornings, I just wanted to sleep in for an extra hour rather than “rise” and shine at 6 am. Head is cool, but having your final hour of sleep stolen away does start to take a toll on a man after a while. So at a certain point, I started to think maybe I should tell her to chill out a little. Like, hey, I see what you’re doing here and I love the spirit behind the commitment, but… maybe later, ya know? Yet in the midst of that thought, I had an epiphany: This isn’t really about me. This girl is on a mission. Being the best girlfriend ever gives her an identity and purpose and meaning. Who am I to prioritize my own fleeting desires over her deeper needs? Getting my dick sucked at 6 am is about her. So the wakeup head continued. Morning after morning. I never said a word. Because I am an incredible person. This is what empathy is like, ladies. Many of you could use some.

He just snagged that shit WITH NO GLOVES

The elites don't want you to realize the crackers are superfluous. They do not want us cheesemaxxing.

Never seen a rotisserie chicken on probation 😭

This is all firmly millennial stuff. “Zillenials” just don’t want to admit that they’re actually a part of the quirk chungus funko pop craft beer generation. Sorry guys

Absolutely wild that a country that doesn't even exist anymore is still dumpster fucking every other country in this regard

Its like 80f outside.. my house is set to 79.

Hollywood has spent nearly $600 million trying to bring Matt Damon home. Have they considered maybe he just doesn’t want to come back?

DID YOU KNOW : your Smart TV came with a whole living room set ?

The European mind can't comprehend that these are so common we don't even have a special name for them.

Disgusting. 👀👀 pass her my phone number, please

Fun Fact: Human males are the only species that mates with their natural predator.

Capcom fans wont get the joke here because there is no yellow paint to point it out for them

RT @ammalusty: Ben Franklin didn't plow through dozens and dozens of French whores so that you could abide by fireworks ordinances

This is very weird. I have been assured by euros that there is no heat like European heat